


sea/soul 2067-50

by hueminous



Category: TXT (Korea Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Gen, Huening Kai-Centric, Hurt Huening Kai, I almost forgot to tag that, I love these kids, and they love each other, bc kai has synesthesia, but not really angsty i guess?, colors metaphor, gukkie is a good hyung™, just a bit touchy feely, kai is a scared little boy, maknaes bonding, ot5 will become prominent in the second part, sometimes too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-05-14 02:28:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 22,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19264114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hueminous/pseuds/hueminous
Summary: there are seven stages of grief and he might as well get stuck in the middle.-(or, huening kai keeps losing home after home and now he’s afraid to lose another one.)





	1. S-E-A

**Author's Note:**

> \+ i still miss ningkai and when i miss him i get sad and when i get sad i write angst so yeah  
> \+ huening kai's smile makes me happy and scares me at the same time. what a strong little boy.  
> \+ basically a story about a kid dealing with his loss without losing himself in the end  
> \+ some scenes with panic attacks might be a trigger but it's not really that severe so consider yourself warned  
> \+ playlist for the first half:  
> \- [Sam Kim – SEATTLE ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pxes1qhbdcE)  
> \- [Rachel Bay Jones – So Big / So Small](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agP3WytovOM)  
> \- [10 cm – however (그러나)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNnoi32CyrA)  
> \- [Lee Chansol – Everglow (Coldplay cover)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYJZ37x6cWM)  
> \- [Bolbbalgan4 (볼빨간사춘기) - Lonely (론리)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huJzM51IwXc&list=PL4G41aA6su2sI9xu3ukyKIsuhSV1pj95D&index=69&t=0s)

  

+

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

▶️ ── 03:04

 

_“i wish the five of us to continue our music as a team forever.”_

 

⏸ ── 03:19

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

one hour, forty-four minutes, and three seconds since their debut promotion ended. march is no longer here and it feels like time is passing him by so quickly he has trouble breathing. good days, bad days, half-and-a-half days; he’d gone through them all over and over and _over_. so he climbs up to his bed on the top and lies down, limbs askew on the mattress.

 

kai is so, so tired.

 

perhaps he will sleep, just for a little while. or at least until someone comes barging in and demands him to wake. kai knows he needs it, and he needs it badly.

 

(but he also knows he will not get it.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

april is going to be another busy month; it’s a given. kai can still feel the tiredness in his bones, still has trouble sleeping, and it shows. people ask: how are you; is there something we could do; what’s wrong; but instead of making him feel better, they make him feels like there is nothing right in his life anymore.

 

makes him feels— _wrong._

 

so he closes his eyes, and for a moment there, kai allows himself to pretend he’s _right._

 

the next time he opens his eyes, kai smiles a little brighter, rehearses his laugh to be louder, belts the notes like he’s born to sing. he tells them not to worry, tells them he’s going to be just fine, and other small, big things he can’t really remember.

 

the questions die one by one.

 

he’s good, really good at that—at pretending, but still. he doesn’t feel the relief. or maybe not yet. he supposes that’s all really matters.

 

but when he can’t bring himself to pretend anymore, kai spends his time lying alone on the cold practice room, eyes never apart from his phone even when he’s not reading anymore. thinks about stopping, thinks about running back home. thinks about nothing and everything but in the end, he can’t even bring himself to step forward.

 

because here, between these weirdly warm people and three bunk beds and one name that might as well means forever, kai has found another home he’s not ready to leave.

 

(yet.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

today, he manages to miss another step again. tomorrow, they are going to prepare yet another comeback.

 

kai hasn’t been sleeping.

 

he wishes he could go home.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

(but home—home is no longer here. home, is forever lost.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

and yet he misses it—misses his old home. it’s been days, months, years; maybe more, he’d lost count—but still, he misses its presence. so with a heavy heart, kai tells himself this:

 

yesterday was mom and dad and lea and bahiyi. today; it’s soobin and yeonjun and beomgyu and taehyun. there is also the staff with their warm, distant smiles and a bunch of cute kittens he’d found hiding behind the shoebox in the alley near their building.

 

then kai tells himself this too: even though his life is no longer the same, it is still a scenery of colors.

 

it has always been this way. what he remembers the most from his childhood weren’t faces or shapes or lines; wasn’t a form of images he could always visit down the memory lane, but instead what he remembers the most was the colors of the sounds around him.

 

sunshine-yellow was for happy songs they’d put on repeat every sunday evening. light indigo for the small, almost inaudible pitter-patter sounds that raindrops made against his window as he took a nap. orange for the warm-like piano notes under his fingers and sometimes a brighter one when he’s singing along. seafoam-green for the loudness of his drum, maybe also a violet if he’s swinging the sticks a little harder than usual. pink sherbet was his sisters’ pitchy voices when they fought over dresses and shirts while magenta was solely reserved for his mother’s breathy sigh as she tried to stop them. and summer blue—

 

summer blue was his father’s when he sang him to sleep at one in the morning after he’d a nightmare. when he brought him to the forest near sea where it’s quiet to watch the stars. when he taught him to sing and play the piano like he meant it; like his life depended on it and also when—

 

when he used to be… here.

 

(his father used to come and go whenever he liked, but he always came back, always returned home, until he didn’t.)

 

now that he remembers, it’s been almost five years since that day. the colors have changed, maybe for the worse. no longer bright, no longer real, no longer alive. gone was the bright hues and rich glow—suddenly every part of his life is now filled with a hint of grey; dull and easy to the eyes. he wants it to change, wants the vivid colors to return but he knows it’s impossible when there are just things that just wouldn’t come back no matter how hard you wish for them. besides, it’s not like they are completely gone from his life. the colors are still here, still exist, just different from before. so—

 

so, he just sucks it up and pretends.

 

kai is good at that anyway—at pretending. and hey, maybe if he keeps the pretense up, it’s going to be real someday.

 

(maybe. just, maybe.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“—stop.”

 

his sharp eyes are fixed at his reflection on the piano before they turn to watch the keys under his hands. today, the sound feels a bit like orange, and maybe tastes like one too. sour, with a hint of bitter. but just like the past five years, the color doesn’t look as bright. looks stifled. washed-off. kai hates it; kinda; maybe. but either way he doesn’t like it so he puts the melody into pause before he starts again.

 

“now do it,” kai tells himself when the color gradually turns into pale yellow, almost bordering to white. “sing.”

 

he opens his mouth, and his voice does come out easily but it doesn’t sound… right.

 

the colors around him are distorting and his eyes begin to feel the burn again. this is not working, he knows. kai presses the piano hard and thinks about hurling it outside the window. he hates it, but he still clings to it. take the piano from him and what is he?

 

(empty.)

 

so he keeps it, presses the keys louder until they shriek, and tries for a different note; this time louder, brighter, better. fails. plays another note. fails. another. fails again. kai keeps his gaze straight on his ghost-like reflection against the piano’s surface. raising his hand to a tight fist, he wipes the stray tears away.

 

“huening kai.”

 

the sound of his name urges him to quickly wipe his tears away before turning around.

 

“taehyunie, hi.” kai greets excitedly, happily, even though he’s anything but _happy_. then again he’s good at that—at pretending. “what brings you here?”

 

instead of answering him, taehyun rubs his thumb over the tips of his cheek, brushing a tear away. ah. he forgot that one.

 

“what color are you today?”

 

kai pauses at the question, a wry smile upon his face.

 

what color, huh?

 

it’s funny how people use words and numbers to scale their feelings easily but when he does, they come out messy and almost indescribable. in retrospect he should’ve had the upper hand; knows a dozen of languages and fluently speaks three of them, and yet they always feel strange on his tongue, feel—odd.

 

so instead of trying to fix something he couldn’t fix, kai uses colors instead.

 

good days to bad days on the scale of one to seven; yellow, orange, green, indigo, violet, red and then blue—just like the colors of the rainbow. his little sister used to tease him, said that it’s weird and messy because the colors were totally in the wrong order, but he didn’t mind—still doesn’t. he likes it better this way.

 

because unlike her and another seven-billion-something people in this world, kai always thinks in colors. tastes in colors. feels in colors. even if they are no longer the same, every single one of them still holds a big part of his life. so if he were to name this feeling currently sitting inside his chest it would be—

 

(blue.)

 

“orange.” he says instead, and then a moment later, in a whisper; “wait, no. i think—red? or maybe green. um. i don’t really know. it’s all messed up today _.”_

 

he ends the sentence with a small, embarrassed laugh. taehyun hums, then cradles his face gently, his eyes soft and knowing. kai stills his smile.

 

“tell me why?”

 

they stare at each other a while. kai wills himself to not cry. his chest feels so tight, but nothing compares to the worry he sees in those gentle, gentle eyes.

 

“that’s the problem,” he whispers. “i—i just don’t know _why_.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

(lies.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

today marks the first week of april and kai still hasn’t been sleeping.

 

he hasn’t and it’s getting harder to pretend that he’s okay but at least he still has these: late-night snacks and three packs of shared warm chocolate; sitting with his back flat against beomgyu’s while his legs bump with soobin’s impossibly long ones. learning dance moves together, straining their vocal for yet another high notes, and trading snacks at lunch. yeonjun always says that kai is a natural dancer even when he keeps missing steps after steps, but kai believes in him like he believes in taehyun when he says that they’re going to make it, and they’re going to make it _big_.

 

so yeah, at least he has these.

 

(at least i have them.)

 

and yeah, he’ll get over it. hopefully soon.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

but the thing is: kai never really gets over it.

 

he moves on, but the regret is still there sometimes, when he thinks of his father. when he dreams of that summer night from four years ago. when he remembers the crumpled paper on the trashcan and the uhaul truck in the driveway. when he facetimes his sisters and watches his mother’s smile from the corner of his eyes.

 

sometimes, he can’t help but think of another figure joining once, in what feels like another life: a life where he can see five plates on the dinner table instead of four, a life that could have been his.

 

and another thing is: it’s true that he has them, but his hyungs and taehyun; they are not his mother. not his sisters. not his father either.

 

they’re not some sick replacement of something he couldn’t have anymore, as they shouldn’t be.

 

and just like his family, just like those four walls and three meals a day minus the warmth that it should have offered; they certainly aren’t enough to keep them away. kai knows that very well.

 

(them being: his very own monsters. them being: himself.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“how many days?” kai looks up so fast he’s afraid his neck’s going to snap. here is yeonjun, walking into the room; all twenty-years-old, five foot eleven inches of him, his eyes burn ashy red with stifled anger. “how many days it’s been since the last time you slept?”

 

kai jerks, but still manages to keep his voice light, steady, as he turns and says, “i don’t understand, hyung.”

 

“if you’re going to deny it, please don’t bother.” yeonjun sighs.

 

kai widens his eyes before he shifts them around, cheeks burning in shame. “does soobin-hyung—”

 

“i don’t know,” he cuts him off almost immediately. “he’s hard to read. so yeah. maybe he knows, maybe he doesn’t. maybe he knows but he’s trying to brush it under the rug, or maybe he’s waiting for the right time to confront you with the truth. take your pick.”

 

at the blunt, yet honest answer, kai folds into himself, suddenly feeling sick. how stupid they must have thought him—if they had thought of him at all. “oh.”

 

yeonjun is looking at him, his face unreadable, then he groans. loudly.

 

“tell me you’re not going to cry.”

 

“i’m not.”

 

“you are.”

 

“i’m _not_.”

 

“huening kai—”

 

“i’m not going to c-cry.” kai wants to bury himself alive when his voice cracks at the end. telling all this to yeonjun feels so hard and easy at the same time and it drives him mad. “it’s just—sweat.”

 

yeonjun covers kai’s hand with his own; with the other, he reaches into his pocket for a handkerchief, sighing when he finds none. so he brushes those stubborn tears with his thumb instead. his touch is so gentle and familiar and it brings another wave of tears through his eyes. “please don’t cry. hyung is really worried for you. really worried.”

 

kai shakes his head. “jjuni-hyung i’m not—”

 

“don’t.” he warns softly. “just answer me this: what color are you today? is it blue?”

 

“n-no, still orange. i’m okay.” kai looks up, meets yeonjun’s slightly slanted eye, and even now, even here, he still feels like crying. “hyung. please don’t look at me like that. i’m okay. i really am. don’t say that i’m not because if you say that i will… i will—”

 

they are silent for a moment. then yeonjun says, “if you really are, then you should tell him—soobin, i mean.” he stops for a moment, collecting his thoughts. “you know how he is—that dork feels the most responsible of you, somewhat. so don’t worry too much. he wouldn’t be mad at you even though it’s not what he really wants; wouldn’t make you sad if he could help it. and we, all of us—”

 

there’s something tangible and vulnerable in the way he spoke, and kai finds himself following the line of his eyes only to find yeonjun staring at the dark bruise under his eyes. the grip on his hand tightens. kai tries not to flinch.

 

“you know that we care, right?”

 

kai nods, not trusting his voice to answer verbally.

 

“and i want you to know that we’re here if you need to talk.” yeonjun continues in a whisper. “somehow, it feels like we’re back at square one. i don’t know what happened to you. you were… i thought you were fine but suddenly you’re not and i just—i hate seeing you like this. here you are distancing yourself again. keeping things to yourself. not sleeping. not smiling—” he pauses for a moment. “it’s not like i’m saying that you have to smile everyday; because you _don’t_ have to. it’s fine. we can—we can work with that. but i hope you’ll find it in yourself to smile again like you used to.”

 

kai looks at his eyes.

 

“i’ll try,” he chokes out. “hyung. jjuni-hyung. i’m just—i’m sorry.”

 

yeonjun looks at him, smiling sadly. there’s grey hanging around his face, but when he reaches out to caresses his cheek gently all he can see is blue.

 

“you always are.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

kai tries his best, he really does. but sometimes the best isn’t enough.

 

this tight sensation in his chest which has no name—it’s killing him. kai is used with the endless pain, but not this ache between his lungs and heart; this feeling of blue. he loathes it to the point that he forces himself to just sleep and forget everything like he promised to, but even sleeping has proven to be an impossible feat.

 

but still, he tries. doesn’t want to be selfish enough to not try. and for the most parts, he finds out that he can quite do it.

 

sometimes it’s yeonjun’s cassette tape that helps him to settle down. sometimes it’s soobin’s warm fingers running against his scalp. sometimes it’s the quiet thrumming of beomgyu’s guitar and taehyun soft voices that calms his beating heart.

 

but other times, it’s just him and his loud mind and blue. always blue.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

blue means: the sky and raindrops and the sea just like his namesake. blue means: soobin-hyung’s favorite color and sunny times. blue also means: gray city of noise, sound of breaking waves, and their summer days.

 

(but what blue always means to him is: his mother crying on an empty bed, his sisters’ stifled sobs, and his father’s disappearing back.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“you stopped.”

 

kai looks up from his position on the floor. “come again?”

 

“that room with the old piano. you keep going there everyday but—” beomgyu sits down beside him, placing a hand around his shoulders. he has always been there when kai needed him; a comfort he can always count on. but today, that comfort feels misplaced. just like the color yellow between his blue days—it feels so out of place. “but, you stopped playing the piano. you didn’t even touch it. why?”

 

somewhere deep inside his heart, kai knows that he should have told him to stop now because he’s not ready to tell him the truth. or maybe run. he’s good at running. he should run and find soobin then—

 

kai shakes his head. biting his lips, he offers the elder boy his usual smile. “ah, hyung. you know why. we’re busy, aren’t we? maybe later.”

 

beomgyu watches him in silence. this, too, is a misstep. so kai watches him back: the slight bluish-violet bruises under his eyes, the softening contours of his chin and neck, and him biting back his words, his worry, his everything. it’s rather painful to watch now he has the time to think clearly, but still kai doesn’t let his eyes stray.

 

“we are.” beomgyu agrees, but then he says: “and we were. yet it never stopped you before.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

somewhere around the second week of april, lea calls.

 

kai lets the phone ring: one, two, three times, puts it on silent, then goes to sleep.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

kai tries so damn hard but in the end they keep coming; those monsters he couldn’t seem to get rid of. they stay for a night then leave in the morning, and when they leave, they leave a hole in his chest that needs to be filled by something, anything. maybe warmth, maybe a hug. he’s always been one to carve touches and there’s someone who never fails to provide them for him.

 

“cuddles?”

 

kai nods his head against soobin’s neck, pulling the air into his lungs until they are full and wet. the sunglow that engulfs his entire being feels so, so warm.

 

“what is it today?”

 

“hm?”

 

“what is your color today?”

 

“i don’t know.”

 

“that’s a lie.”

 

“no,” he pauses. “i really don’t know. but maybe—maybe a violet. it feels like violet.”

 

“ningning,” soobin sighs into his hair, his voice soft and understanding. “you should have told me sooner. are you okay?”

 

his heart clenches painfully at the way soobin address him. even before this – whatever is this called – they'd started using nicknames for each other. and slowly, as the two of them got closer and grew fonder, they changed into terms which represented this sense of familiarity they’ve always had for each other.

 

now, the elder is exceptionally attuned to his emotions, so even if kai didn’t say anything to him, he might have picked up on his insecurities. sometimes it’s a good thing, but other times, just like this time, he doesn’t want to be selfish enough to demand more when he knows how much burden already rested on those shoulders.

 

“i’ll be tomorrow,” kai says, “just not now. not today.”

 

soobin runs his fingers among his hair. kai buries his face deeper into his neck, their legs tangled, bedcovers askew around their body.

 

he needs this warmth. he needs him. needs them. always.

 

(forever.)

 

“that’s good.” soobin says absentmindedly, and then, “that’s enough.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

lea calls him again three days later.

 

in contrast to his better judgment, kai gives it a try. he doesn’t really know what to say. what to expect. what to feel.

 

his sister though—she knows him better than anyone.

 

so when she begins to talk about her cats – _our cats_ , he rebukes with a grumble – and her dog – _she’s our dog, our dog!_ he reminds – to fill in the silence, kai listens. he listens when she tells him about the new, yet dull teacher she’s got at school. he listens as she tattles on their little sister and complains about their mother’s latest burnt food. he listens as she talks about her boring day but then she talks about her latest vocal lesson and something ugly curls tight in his chest.

 

“big sis?” kai calls out after a while. “can i ask you something?”

 

_“yeah? what is it, ningning?”_

 

“well, don’t you—don’t you think it’s weird?”

 

_“huh?”_

“between the three of us, i didn’t think it would be me in this position right now. bahi, maybe, she’s always been the better of us. but i—i would have guessed it’d be you.”

 

_“why?”_

“because you deserve this more than i do. and you loved—love them. the promotions, dancing from stage to stage, the loud cheers and screams… you love them all, don’t you?”

 

_“and you don’t?”_

 

kai is silent for a minute, listening to the sound of his sister’s soft breathing, then he sinks into himself, buries into the warmth of soobin’s oversized-sweater and beomgyu’s blanket.

 

“i thought i did,” he whispers, “but now i’m not sure anymore.”

 

_"please don’t say that. not after everything we—you, have gone through. i know you’re stronger than this. you’re no longer my little cub, remember? you’re a lion now, so act like one.”_

“i’m sorry.” his voice cracks on the last syllable. “i’m just—”

 

kai stops midsentence. not because he doesn’t know what to say like before, rather the opposite. there’s a lot of things he wants to say now, he just doesn’t know where to begin.

 

 _“_ _you’re sorry, is that it? please stop. guilt doesn’t suit you that much, little brother_ _.”_ lea says from the other side, obviously teasing, but her voice is soft and kind. _“i’m happy for you, you know that?”_

“yeah. yeah i know. it’s just—these past weeks has been hard on me and when i saw your name it’d just hit me all over again,” he sighs. “god, i sound pathetic. what should i do to make this feeling go away? please tell me.”

_“just don’t think about it.”_

 

“what?”

 

_“don’t think about anything. just do what you love; love what you do. the regrets will come later, like they always will, but don’t let them stop you from going forward. time doesn’t stop for anyone after all, so make the best of it. you hear me? make the best of it and please, god please, don’t end up like me. i don’t want you to feel that pain. not my little brother.”_

kai recoils to himself as if he’s been slapped. there are colors exploding behind the lids of his eyes, in red, and green, then blue—all pale and hazy but he can see the images clearly like it was yesterday.

 

he remembers a slightly younger lea; snot and tears all over her pale face as she sat in the corner of her room. remembers how he helped her to sit on the bed and wiped her tears away with his trembling hands. remembers how he found two crumpled contract papers and a dead phone among her smaller ones and remembers how she was still crying even after hours passed, even when he told her that everything would be okay.

 

kai remembers everything and wishes he didn’t.

 

“lea?”

_“hm?”_

“i want to go home.”

 

at the other side of the line, kai hears a choked cry. he’s glad to have this talk with her, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to make her cry.

 

_“ningning, what is your color today? don’t tell me—”_

 

kai clears his throat and pretends he heard nothing. “i-i’m sorry, i have to cut this short because the practice going to start soon. i’ll call you later, big sis.”

 

**_pip._ **

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

kai doesn’t give her a call. he doesn’t go to practice either. he isn’t in the condition to do so when those stupid thoughts are clogging his head. but still, deep down all he wants is to hurtle into the practice room, to tackle them to the ground and buries himself among their warmth because he _needs_ them, needs his ragtag of a group so bad and he needs them now— _here._

 

kai needs soobin and yeonjun and beomgyu and taehyun but they’re not here and he can’t; _won’t_ risk them here so he just—panics. he doesn’t even know where he’s going. but looking at the distance, there is one unlocked door. so he steps inside, unable to stop himself. the room is dark. he can’t see anything and it’s good because it means no lights and no lights means no colors. kai sits down and runs a hand across his head, fingertips skittering among his newly permed hair and thinks: i remember this place. this is safe. this is home.

 

(lies. lies. _lies_.)

 

kai snaps out from his daydream when he feels a sudden nudge against his arms. when he focuses his sight to where the light is coming, he’s surprised to see a young man crouching in front of him. the man blinks at him, his eyes a pure, clear black beneath his mess of dark curls, and for a few seconds, kai has no idea at all who he is.

 

“hey, i know you.”

 

kai laughs inwardly. a bit ironic, he says, considering what his last thoughts were. but when he blinks and focuses his sight on him again, kai is slapped with sudden recognition.

 

“i know you too.” he blurts out, only to regret it almost immediately. “wait, i mean—”

 

the man – jeongguk, his name is jeongguk – stares at him for a moment, but then smiles; that bunny smile which reminds him so much of his leader.

 

“huening kai, right?” he asks. “what are you doing here? i thought they already turned this place into storeroom.”

 

kai takes a long gulp of air and immediately wished he hasn't. swallowing hard, he tries to calm himself down. breathes, then swallows again without succeeding in clearing his mind which still in shambles. kai bites his tongue and blinks back muted, dark spots that begin to appear behind his eyes.

 

(he can’t do this. the colors—they are too much.)

 

kai reaches out to grab the hem of jeongguk’s sleeve, tugging lightly.

 

(they’re going to swallow him whole.)

 

“what’s wrong?” jeongguk immediately asks as soon as he notices the way he begins shaking. he places a hand on his arm as gentle as possible to not startle him. “are you hurt? is there something i could do?”

 

kai shakes his head.

 

“just—stay.”

 

jeongguk blinks. “me?”

 

“yeah. s-stay. don’t wanna be alone. please?”

 

the blinking continues, but something inside those eyes softens with an inexpressible expression that might as well be called sadness. then he can see jeongguk’s smile, a pale golden hue among the stifled monochrome color of this room. how fitting, he thinks, for a golden boy to be blessed with a golden voice. with a small, pained smile, kai watches as the bright color dances around him in soft waves.

 

“okay.” kai blinks back the tears when jeongguk suddenly sits beside him, squeezing his shoulder, “i’ll stay as long as you want me to.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

and it goes on like this: a sky full of stars in spring, sitting shoulder to shoulder inside a cold storeroom with the old piano he loved—loves, in a silence that feels so loud. his eyes are wandering. left, then right, then up above, then back at the young man beside him, thinking that his eyes are like the manifestation of a sky full of stars outside the window. it follows with a tight, nervous smile and awkward talks, then with words spoken so soft and quiet laugh and everything in between.

 

jeongguk, who is a stranger but not really a stranger at the same time, keeps his promise to stay. it’s a selfish request on his part, kai knows that very well, but he wants to be selfish enough so he doesn’t have to be alone, for once.

 

so yeah. he stays, just like the feeling blue, just like this echo of pain between his lungs. and when he leaves it leaves with him too, even for just a moment, causing him to feel bare and a little… empty.

 

kai holds his stare for a second longer before his eyes land on the piano at the corner of the room. he thinks about playing, thinks about singing. but then chooses not to.

 

 _not now_ , he thinks.

 

(not yet.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“will you be okay once i leave?” kai remembers him asking with that soft, gentle voice he found so hauntingly beautiful and the feeling in his chest tightened. as always though, he settled with his usual lie that almost sounds like the truth.

 

“i’ll be tomorrow,” he says, sounding like he’s trying to convince himself rather than the man beside him. “just not now. not today.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

somewhere around the third week of april, kai finds himself sitting in the same cold storeroom, his back against the wall and knees up to his chest.

 

“i wonder if they know,” he says in a murmur, looking at the blue sky beyond the window, then at the phone clutched tight between his fingers. “should i get going?”

 

maybe he should. because at this rate he’s going to be late for practice again, if not later. not like he minds because really, he doesn’t. lately, practice has been boring. sitting here in silence is boring, too. but at least he doesn’t hate it. with a shudder, kai pulls his jacket tighter around his body, almost drowning in it: the air is icy, snatching at his face, the back of his neck. he hardly knows how long he has been sitting here, how much time has passed since the last time he’d bid goodbye to both soobin and yeonjun. maybe twenty minutes? half an hour? maybe longer. huh. now that he thinks about it, definitely longer.

 

he kind of feels lonely now.

 

“is anybody—oh.”

 

kai immediately looks up, blinking to find jeongguk standing at the slightly opened door.

 

“it’s you.”

 

his eyes are still the same glittery stars, his voice has that gentle tilt, still resonating deep in his soul but the difference is he doesn’t quite feel like an intruder anymore. still a stranger, yes, but not unwelcome. now he just feels like… a comfort; a company, and it makes him feel strangely reassured. makes him feel—content. warm.

 

less lonely.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“stop being so formal, just call me jungkookie-hyung.”

 

“hyungnim.”

 

“how many times i should correct you? say it with me: jungkookie-hyung. _jeon–gguk–ie–hyeo–ng._ ”

 

“hyungnim.”

 

“…you’re just trying to piss me off, aren’t you?”

 

 

+

 

 

 

 

two weeks, four days, and seven hours before their special comeback.

 

kai starts counting backwards.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“how old are you again? fifteen? sixteen?”

 

“i’m eighteen.”

 

“bullshit. you still look like a toddler and smell like baby powder. there’s no way you’d be eighteen.”

 

“um not that i’m trying to be rude but should i remind you which one of us is taller?”

 

“wait, how tall are you?”

 

“6’0 feet.”

 

_“jesus christ.”_

 

+

 

 

 

two weeks and twenty-one hours.

 

he keeps counting.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“oh, you have school today? i totally forgot you’re still a student. how it’s going?”

 

“uh, do you want the good answer or the bad answer or the honest one?”

 

“all of them.”

 

“the good answer: school is an essential part of my evolution as a decent human being so i have to say that i enjoyed every single class. the bad one: school is boring.”

 

“and the honest one?”

 

“i hate school and i wish i could just drop out.”

 

“knew it.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

a week, two days, and thirteen hours.

 

the sudden warmth in the air reminds him that the end of april is near. despite the escalating practices and busy schedules, kai keeps coming back to the storeroom. beomgyu’s right, he doesn’t play the piano that much anymore. but not because he doesn’t want to because he does; the desire is still there, still burning bright. he just never lets it win; knows he'd only be upset by that. still, some nights he can’t help but returns into the same spot on the cold wooden floor, leaning his back against the wall as he waits and thinks that maybe, just maybe, by staying _here_ instead of _there_ would make a difference for once.

 

and yet deep down, he knows it’s quite impossible because essentially all he’s been doing is just— _that_.

 

just, running away.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“is it rough?”

 

“what is?”

 

“being a rookie while still in school. the tight schedules with no sleep. promotions, practices, recordings; basically everything. your life right now—is it rough?”

 

“yes.”

 

"good. at least you're honest about that."

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

five days and seventeen hours.

 

kai finally can sleep for one hour a day without waking up in cold sweat a minute later. maybe it means he’s getting better; means he’s going to be okay.

 

(hopefully.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“could you find another place that has decent lighting? or maybe get some bloody chairs in here because i’m starting to lose the feeling of my legs.”

 

kai doesn’t really hold back anymore; he laughs and when he laughs he does it loudly, freely, _easily_ ; just like he used to. maybe because it’s easier to talk to a stranger than someone you know, or maybe it’s the opposite: maybe it’s easier because they’ve already gone past that stranger phase. but either way, he likes it; likes the way sounds flow so easily from his mouth for the first time in a long time and he doesn’t want them to _stop_.

 

“this is okay.” kai says with a smile. “i like it.”

 

“sitting on the cold floor inside a cramped storeroom? sure.” jeongguk quirks a brow. “so, alone again huh?”

 

kai shrugs. “i like being alone.”

 

“oh,” jeongguk looks alarmed. kai waits for the ‘what colors are you today?’ question to magically pop out from his mouth, but then realizes that jeongguk isn’t his bandmates, though he sure already feels close enough to be one. “should i just, uh, leave?”

 

“nah. i don’t mind.” kai grins, watching as the air around them turning to a shade of warm sepia. this color is nice; a friendly yet serious, down-to-earth color which represents security, protection, and comfort. besides the infamous gold, this color suits him too, he thinks. “it’s nice, having you here. and you—i think you’re nice.”

 

“you better.” he mutters, then a second later he looks at him questioningly. “anyway, don’t you have practice? the comeback is tomorrow, right? the same slot as ours.”

 

“we already wrapped it up an hour ago and yeah, you’re right. it’s tomorrow. how fast.” he murmurs the last part to himself.

 

jeongguk frowns. “then why are you here? i heard the choreo is quite a monster. you should be sleeping.”

 

“ _that’s_ exactly why i’m here.” kai laughs softly at the irony. “i can’t sleep, hyung.”

 

it’s silent. jeongguk purses his lips tight before he opens them again.

 

“are you going to play, then?”

 

kai tilts his head in question.

 

“huh?”

 

“that piano,” jeongguk says, staring at the classic piano at the corner of the room before turning to look at him in the eye. “—is the reason of why you keep coming back to this place, right? i heard you play a few times when i passed this room weeks ago. but lately you haven’t played much. i wonder why.”

 

those eyes of him are too much. kai looks away, towards the said piano, eyes busy picking up the thin layer of dust that manages to pile on its surface. back when everything was simple, he used to clean it often with some rug he’d brought from their dorm, scrubbing every nook and cranny until it was a shiny mess before he played.

 

and it hurts to think that maybe there’ll be no longer sleepless night spend sitting on its aging chair while his fingers dances across the keys, but things always change and we can never return to the things that we left.

 

this is no different.

 

“i dunno.” he muses out loud. “maybe because there’s already a new piano at our shared studio. maybe i’m just simply sick of it. or maybe my reason coming here—” kai pauses to catch his eye. “maybe it has changed.”

 

jeongguk clamps up in shock and for a moment there he looks like he’s going to say something but then decides not to. he does that a lot, he notices; biting back his words like they’re not supposed to be said. kai squints to read the expression on his face, but the ghastly color around him hurts his eyes, and he finds he can’t quite look at him.

 

suddenly there’s a nagging thought inside his head, an itch under his skin he couldn’t quite ignore, so he let a moment passes, and then:

 

“hyung?”

 

“w-what? i mean, yes?”

 

“do you think forever is impossible?”

 

jeongguk puckers his lips and knits his brows, seemingly deep in thought. he doesn’t look like he’s going to answer soon, not really, but kai tries not to think about it much. so he closes his eyes and waits.

 

“forever is a very long time,” jeongguk finally says, his voice thoughtful and honest. kai opens his eyes, watching as green-like blue begins to fill the air between them. “and this, is only the beginning for you. whether or not you believe in forever, whether or not your road is going to end tomorrow or even today, you need to understand that time runs out for everyone. even for people like us.”

 

“even for people like us, huh?” kai turns his head away. those words remind him of something his elder sister had said once and now he can’t help the burst of tears from coming through. he holds them in though. “i guess i need to hear that.”

 

jeongguk pauses. “does it scare you?”

 

“what is?”

 

“that word, does it scare you? because even though they’ve always been by my side for these past six years, that word, that forever—” a pause. “still scares me, sometimes.”

 

kai doesn’t give him an answer, or rather he can’t. he doesn’t want him to hear the tears from his trembling voice but jeongguk keeps his eyes on him anyway, his gaze knowing and sad.

 

“you won’t give me an answer, huh.” jeongguk sighs, “that’s fine.”

 

a few minutes of quiet: the slight flicker from the hallway, the slight creaking of the hinges. from somewhere beyond the slightly opened door comes a melody of a familiar song, and it makes something inside him throb. he’s not sure which part of him is hurting, thinks it could be the space beneath his heart, maybe somewhere between his chestbone. or maybe among his lungs. maybe. who cares.

 

kai just wants it to stop.

 

“it was two a.m, two weeks after new year’s day,” he jerks out his thoughts when jeongguk starts to talk again. “we’d just finished our meeting with the company regarding our contracts extensions. three of us decided to not continue while another three wanted another chance for our group. i was in the middle, lost as what to do. the moment we returned to the dorm the annulment papers were already printed out. all they needed were our signature and _boom_ ,” he chuckles lightly for a measure but kai can smell his tears in the air. his color is getting paler and paler as time passes. “there would be no bangtan anymore.”

 

his stomach churns.

 

by now everyone from all over the world already knows about this story, and if it’s anything—it wasn’t a nice one. kai thinks if jeongguk were someone else, if he were someone lesser than this man currently sitting beside him, he would have had cried by now. but he holds himself strong, only letting out a few sounds that might as well been a sob, and keeps on going.

 

“you see, my hyungs—they’re no longer young, and i don’t only mean by age. sure, there were many good days, many good _things_ that happened, but there were bad ones too. i guess… i guess they were tired enough as it is. so even though it felt like dying, i thought i had to do it—for them. did you know that i was the first one who signed the paper?”

 

kai blinks. “you… what?”

 

“six years is a damn long time, you know? the pain and suffering that had accumulated from those years—just remembering what they’ve gone through hurts. i love bangtan, but i love my hyungs more. i didn’t want to see them suffer more than they already have, so i thought if it means i have to give up, then so be it.” he takes in a deep breath. “but in the end, we couldn’t do it. even through the worst, even when we felt like giving up, we chose to be together. it’s always seven or nothing—and because of that we’re still here, still standing, even only for god’s know how long.”

 

kai stares at him for a moment before he shifts his eyes again, trying hard to hold his tears, but it’s no use anyway. they fall across his cheeks and down his chin, wetting the sweatpants he’d borrowed from yeonjun. kai stares at the wet spots, feeling blue once again.

 

“this thing we have—it’s not forever; not even a promise of a lifetime, but i couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ ask for anything better. that’s why even though the schedules are tight and i barely have time to rest; even though the thought of waking up to yet another hectic day makes me weary, i still manage to smile in the end. because it means—”

 

a hitched breath, and then:

 

“it means i still have another day with them.”

 

kai is aware of jeongguk’s eyes resting on him for a moment longer, green-blue-violet-red-orange suddenly coating the barren space in his mind, but he says nothing. they are quiet again. kai tightens his hold around his knees.

 

“if i could hit a pause button to keep this moment forever then i would do it in a heartbeat. but time; it doesn’t stop for anyone. so the best i can do is believe in them. believe that even though everything will end someday, i will always have a place to call home in those six idiots i call hyungs. with or without the contracts or a name to bind us together.” he says again. “so stop this and go back to them—to your own home. they must be waiting for you to come back as mine do.”

 

this time it's kai's turn to be silent.

 

home, for the past two and a half years, has been a decent-sized flat in seoul with three bunkbeds and four other people. but once upon a time, home had been a rented house in honolulu that overlooks the sea and sky. home had been a decent-sized house in the coast of california with a big back yard and wide patio where they used to play every sunday evening. home had been a modern-looking house in the suburb of china: two-storeyed, with white-painted trim and a high iron gate and noisy neighbors. home, had been another modern-looking house with noisy neighbors, but unlike the previous one he’d left back in china, it could only be found somewhere in the busy streets of incheon, five minus one.

 

so which home should he come back to?

 

(which home he can trust to still be there when he decides to come back for good?)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“hyungnim.”

 

“hm?”

 

“what defines a home?”

 

“that depends. what does home mean to you? is it a place? is it a thing? maybe a person, or rather, people?”

 

a pause.

 

“then, what about me?”

 

“huh.”

 

“can i be my own home?”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

today, bangtan wins.

 

instead of celebrating like he should have, kai tucks himself at the back of the stage with soobin, their tall frames and long legs sticking out like a sore thumb. he can talk big all he wants, but facing these people, facing _jeon_ we-almost-disbanded _jeongguk_ after last night is worse that he’d thought. kai stares at the burst of colors that decorate the entire studio with deep, thoughtful eyes.

 

if he were better with words, he’d say something like: you don’t look like anything jeongguk had said the previous night, you look like you enjoyed it, like you’re going to do this happily for a very, very long time.

 

(and also: you look like you’re going to last—forever.)

 

however, kai is bad at words, so he keeps his mouth shut and hopes those treacherous words don’t get to pass the line of his lips. because if it happens—

 

“what are you doing at the back?”

 

a deep voice rises among the chaos. kai hunches to himself when taehyung flashes his infamous rectangular smile at him, beomgyu in tow.

 

“come join us!” he takes a firm grip around his wrist before tugging forward, “don’t be shy—let’s go!”

 

kai is too stunned to even say a word, let alone to refuse. when they arrive in the middle of the stage, taehyung immediately releases his and beomgyu’s hand in pursuit of yeonjun who has retreated to the side again. he looks around, feeling a lump at the back of his throat.

 

it’s been almost two months since he first stepped his feet on the stage, and yet it still surprises him how big it is. how empty it is, even between their joined bands of twelve and thinks how _scary_ it is, to finally realizes that.

 

“here,” he blinks when seokjin suddenly passes the mic to him. “please sing the chorus with jeonggukie. you’re vocal, right?”

 

kai shakes his head rapidly. “n-no, hyungnim i can’t—”

 

“it’s seokjin-hyung to you.” he cuts him off with a blinding smile. “now sing!”

 

he doesn’t. kai can’t even find his voice, let alone to sing. so he just keeps clapping while passing the mic to yeonjun, hoping his hyung would get his message and save him from further embarrassment. kai looks around in panic when he’s ignored, and for a split of a second there, he catches jeongguk’s eyes on him before he’s faced with seokjin’s handsome face again.

 

“ah, you’re a shy little one, aren’t you?” he muses, taking the mic from him while laughing softly. there’s a faraway look in his eyes like he’s watching the world in freeze-frames before he snaps out of it and laughs again. “it’s okay, there will be next time.”

 

kai forces himself to laugh alongside him, eyes a little teary and lips slightly parted, and says:

 

“yeah, maybe next time.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

a second crowded encore turns into an invitation to lunch, then pretzels and a dozen pack of coffees, and before he knows it they are jammed into one waiting room, all thirteen-something of them. and standing here between the bustle of people who looks so beautiful in colors; just watching them smile and talks and jokes with each other with a smile always present on their face makes his heart warm. and looking at his own bandmates, who are grinning along with them with stars in their eyes makes him think: _maybe someday._

 

but when he’s back in the safety of their dorm, the left-over pretzel safely tucked somewhere else and no one to pull him out from his hiding place, kai is reminded again that ‘someday’ is not even at their doorstep. it’s not even waiting for them somewhere near.

 

kai looks at the blinking phone between his fingers while his thumb moves against the dimmed screen. he punches the home button with a heavy heart.

 

(it’s still far, far away.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

another day, another win. boy with luv is played for the encore and kai stops to admire the moment.

 

in front of him, bangtan hyungs can’t stop waving happily as they run from one side to another, reeling in beomgyu and yeonjun to join their mad celebration. beside him, soobin is looking at the crowds with big, awed eyes, and a grin on his face. around him, people bow and give their congratulations while their fans cheer in the background as taehyun begin to dance and sing along the chorus, his voice blending in with jeongguk’s honey vocal and suddenly there’s a lump in his chest, twisting the pretty, pretty notes into something tangible and terribly real.

 

( _red,_ he thinks. and then, _blue_.)

 

kai holds the mic between his fingers, almost crushing it as he opens his own mouth.

 

despite all the chaos and noises, despite his voice joining in the background and the scream he gives, all he can hear is his own heartbeat ringing in his ears as he thinks: _home._

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

(where’s mine?)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“just look at them,” kai stops, feet digging harshly against the tiled floor. his previous thought of wanting to use the bathroom suddenly forgotten. “they’re nothing special and yet they’ve got all the promos and attention without lifting a finger. life is so unfair.”

 

if kai ever did hear the insult, he doesn’t show anything besides a slight twitch of his eye. he gulps down a lump at the back of his throat, shoves it through his palate like it’s something bitter to the taste buds. those words remind him of something he’d read once. words he doesn’t want to remember, really, and he would be damned if he were to start now.

 

“seriously, if i were bangtan, i would be furious.” a murmur, but it echoes so loud in his ears. “they are nothing but leeches. riding their senior’s fame like that—god, so disgusting. watch them burn down once the hype is over.”

 

it takes all of kai's self-control not to throw his feet in and give them a piece of his mind in more ways than one. but he’s still got it in himself to be calm. has to. needs to.

 

“—forever my ass. they won’t last long, mark my words.”

 

but _that—_

 

(that does something to him.)

 

now, his monsters are back and they’re lurking behind his eyelids, chasing him over and over again despite him trying his hardest to drove them away. soobin’s gentle smile has turned black in his dreams, just like taehyun’s laughs have turned into a staccato of blue and violet. yeonjun’s hollow eyes and beomgyu’s broken smile would forever haunt his life and that stupid word; that forever—

 

“shut up. shut up. shut up. shut up. _shut up—_ ”

 

(that forever makes him _sick_.)

 

so when another wave of tears pricks his eyes, kai shuts them tight and clears his mind, hoping that the next time he opens his eyes he would be somewhere: anywhere. preferably: home. and yet another part of him wants nothing but to march inside and breaks someone’s nose to make a point, to scream at them and yell at the top of his lungs, because they’re _wrong_ , they don’t know a single thing about their pain, about their struggle so—

 

so, he steps back from the door before bolting out, feeling completely light-headed.

 

kai trips on the carpet twice in his pursuit of the exit before he resumes running. it looks like his feet don't quite seem to register that they're supposed to walk straight though, so he’s not surprised when he falls on his face instead. kai groans at the sudden burst of black and white beneath his eyelids, but he’s quick to regain his balance up again, and before he knows it; he’s already standing outside their waiting room.

 

(he wants to laugh. this is ridiculous. that word—it definitely did something to him.)

 

kai runs, and doesn’t look back.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

jeongguk from the cold storeroom asks: “why.”

 

“why what?” he asks back.

 

“why it has to be you when other people exist? i don’t get it.” jeongguk pauses. “what’s wrong with them? aren’t they enough for you?”

 

“well, just like you said before,” kai stops, pausing to breathe a little. “forever is a very long time; and time—time doesn’t stop for anyone. things, places, people… all of them would change in the end but i—”

 

then he smiles, though it doesn’t reach his eyes.

 

“i don’t think i will. no—i know i won’t. so better me than nothing, right?”

 

“i guess.” jeongguk licks his lips, eyes darting between him and the piano at the corner of the room. “well, it’s fine if you want to think like that. but—”

 

“but?” he prods.

 

“it’s just—it’s better to have a place and people to call home, rather than being all alone.” he says softly, almost like a whisper. “to not have something to lean on beside your own self is… lonely.”

 

kai smiles softly, “ah hyung, you don’t get it, after all.”

 

“huh.”

 

“you don’t get it.” kai repeats. “it’s not like i don’t want to because i do. i would love to find a home like you’d found with—in them, would kill for it, would die for it—i’ll do anything. but it’s no use when i’m not even sure if i still want to go on with this—this _thing_ , whatever it is called, when i know that it’s not going to last. don’t wanna take another risk, don’t wanna be hurt. i think—i think i’m not strong enough for this, so maybe i should stop pretending like i am.”

 

kai pauses, then laughs.

 

“ahhh,” he breathes out, trying to keep his tears from showing. “i’m a despicable human being, aren’t i?”

 

kai laughs again, louder, harsher like he’s trying to show the world how much he hates himself, but jeongguk doesn’t laugh with him. instead, he turns to look at him, and his face, eerily struck by the golden flicker of the hallway lights from the slightly opened door, seems like a dream.

 

(maybe it is a dream.)

 

“no,” jeongguk says softly, thoughtfully. “no. you’re not. you’re just—”

 

a pause.

 

“you’re just scared, aren’t you?”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

kai stumbles down when he collides with something hard.

 

“—huening kai? is that you?”

 

he freezes.

 

“jesus christ,” the person crouches down to help him up, “why can’t we meet in a conventional way? it’s getting—wait, what’s wrong?”

 

that voice. he knows that voice so well. kai swallows hard before he looks up from the floor only to catch jeongguk’s worried eyes in the process.

 

“shit, your right cheek—it’s so red.” jeongguk puts his thumb under his chin, raising his face slowly. “and your eyes… were you crying?”

 

kai clamps his mouth shut. everything is silent and still before jeongguk suddenly curses low. it seems like he’s finally noticed that he’s still crying. he grits his teeth so hard and for a second there, kai feels like running away.

 

“what are you doing here? you were supposed to stay inside your waiting room.” jeongguk accuses with a low voice as he drags him into some room at the end of the corridor for some privacy. “and why are you alone? where the fuck is the rest of your group?”

 

“i don’t know.” he croaks out. “i—i’m just—i’m sorry.”

 

“none of that,” jeongguk says as soon as they’re out from public’s ears. “just tell me what happened.”

 

“nothing happened,” kai pauses, unsure as what to say. the frustration is thick and solid and it’s running inside his bloodstreams just like a sick, addicting drug. he picks at his arms, pinching his wrists and rubbing his hands against each other to ground his mind so it won’t go _there_ anymore. “everything’s fine.”

 

jeongguk raises his brow at him. “are you seriously going to lie to my face?”

 

kai bites down his lower lips as he avoids those dark, knowing eyes. the color blue—he sees it everywhere; on his face, the hem of his shirt, between his lips. it’s too much. he’s starting to feel sick.

 

“huening kai.” jeongguk says softly at him when he stays silent. “what happened?”

 

“i’m scared,” kai blurts out, whether from irritation or fear, he doesn’t know. those words—they come out fast, chopped like he's scared that the moment he'll stop for breath the blue will swallow him whole. “you’re right. i’m scared, hyung _—”_

 

kai pauses when he tastes metallic in his mouth but it’s too late. there’s blood on his tongue and a scream on his lips that won’t get out. kai grips the back of jeongguk’s shirt as hard as he can without ripping it. but it doesn't really help, doesn't undo the damage or keep him sane and he just—

 

“i just—i feel so _scared_ ,” kai manages to say between choked sobs. “so damn scared just like i’m being thrown back to the b-beginning and i h-hu—”

 

the thought of not having them by his side again; not hearing soobin’s gentle voice singing him to sleep at three in the morning and beomgyu laughing at stupid pranks they’ve done together; of losing yeonjun’s tight hugs and taehyun’s warm voice and their summer days hurts so damn bad it almost feels like suffocation. like he’s buried underwater, not breathing any longer and the world is closing in because how could one breathe when missing air?

 

they don’t; they can’t— _he_ can’t.

 

“h-hey, breathe with me.” jeongguk cups his face between his hands, “kai. please listen to my voice. breathe.”

 

jeongguk falls into the space next to him and kai buries his face in his shoulder as he sobs and tries to remember how to breathe but he can’t—not really. so he bit the insides of his cheek again, tasting blood once more, willing himself to not scream at him, or worse, starts sobbing again. everything feels too much and he can’t—god, he can’t breathe. everything around him is turning into blue and he’s so sick of the color. he wants—he wants to—

 

“fuck—hyung! HYUNG! ANYONE, _HELP!”_

 

the sound of door opening is the last thing he hears before he sees black.

 

 

 

+

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \+ this is my own interpretation of hyuka's inner turmoil combined with my own experience so please take it with a grain of salt. remember that this is fiction *peace*  
> \+ the second part will be posted as soon as i finished the last scene :)  
> \+ i'm sorry for any grammatical errors and weird writing style it's been a long time since i last wrote so it might be a little awkward ㅠㅠ  
> \+ any suggestion is always welcome and i hope you enjoy it uwu


	2. S-O-U-L

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \+ this took me so long please forgive my lazy ass  
> \+ i still miss ningkai. when will he come back home ㅠㅠ  
> \+ scratch that i miss txt when will they breathe i need them to breathe please ㅠㅠ ㅠㅠ  
> \+ as always, playlist for the second half:  
> \- [Okdal – 내가 사라졌으면 좋겠어 (Wish I Could Disappear)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xlFHUyRcjk)  
> \- [Lauv – Sad Forever](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb6VtOUQGUQ)  
> \- [Lee Chansol – Still Fighting It (Ben Folds Cover)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-xKyWvdTtw)  
> \- [Standing Egg - 안아줄게 (I’ll Hug You)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vV2K3sYYdcc)  
> \- [HONNE – Location Unknown (Brooklyn Session)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btIQvYcLNoI)  
> \- [Dear Evan Hansen Cast – You Will be Found](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R83hecEr8bY)  
> \- [Ji Hoon Shin – 별이 안은 바다 (You Are A Star Already)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq5o73r68R0&list=PL4G41aA6su2sintEClF-_Mab9xMRNwKCJ&index=34)

 

+

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

▶ ── 05:25

 

_“i think without them, i would have had a really difficult time;”_

⏸ ── 05:30

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

if he remembers it correctly, it begins like this: thirteen years old him wakes up to dark bedroom, dark ceiling, dark walls, dark _everything_. and for a while after that, all he can see is grey and grey and _grey_ , like someone has bled all the colors dry before they begin to settle down one by one, though it still doesn’t wash off the dull undertone thoroughly.

 

kai blinks; once, then twice.

 

here, there is no uncut cake, no colorful ribbons, no silly hat with golden trim, no people who keep wishing him happy birthday, just, nothing but his empty bedroom.

 

it takes ages, minutes, even, for him to realize the stack of colorful presents on the end of his bed but when he does, he freezes for a good second. a few of them he can recognize very well: a bright green box with cat doodles from his mother, two bright yellow boxes from his sisters and another yellow one, this one slightly bigger with a red ribbon tied around, obviously from his grandparents, but the rest are unfamiliar and one is missing from the piles.

 

emotion wells up in his chest. kai scrunches his nose as he touches one of the boxes, sniffling.

 

he already knows which one is missing.

 

it’s not hard—just the absence of one particular color already tells him a lot. but the knowledge still doesn’t help with the sudden urge to bawl his eyes out like he did yesterday.

 

it’s so childish, though, to be like this—all teary-eyed and whiny like his little sister used to be when she was a toddler. so childish, and also embarrassing. it wouldn't be half as bad if he knew what he is crying about because his dad—well, his dad doesn’t worth his tears.

 

(at least not anymore.)

 

“you’re awake, darling?”

 

kai turns to his right. the figure standing by the door—his mum, she doesn't look very much like the strong woman who’d raised him. she looks like a whole different person, he thinks: someone he can’t really recognize. because his mother that he knows doesn’t look like that. doesn’t look as lost and— _blue_. right now she looks blue and it’s wrong, so, _so_ wrong because blue wasn’t supposed to be her color and yet it’s all he can see. feel. taste.

 

“mum?” he asks as soon as she sits down beside him on the bed. “can i—can i ask you something?”

 

“yes, honey?”

 

“i think i hate blue.” he pauses. “can i hate blue?”

 

she frowns. “you’re not talking about your father, are you?”

 

“no,” he says quickly in rebuttal, but then later admits: “fine, i was talking about him. but he’s no longer my father—he is blue now. so can i hate him, even just for a little?”

 

because he really wants to. unlike his twelve years old self, thirteen years old huening kai wants to hate him, should have been _allowed_ to hate him, and he thinks some part of him already he does—rightfully so. yesterday, twelve years old huening kai was too young and too trusting to accept the fact that no; your dad wouldn’t be coming home and no; he didn’t send a present either so he just put the silly hat down beside his uncut cake before he locked himself in his room. then he got under the blanket, a phone between his small, chubby fingers as he tried to dial up a familiar number he’d memorized over and over again only to be answered with silence each time.

 

(yesterday, twelve years old huening kai fell asleep with tears on his face and a hole in his chest and he still couldn’t hate his father, not even a bit. because he might be thirteen years old now but he’s still twelve years old huening kai through and through and hating someone he’s loved all of his life is a thousand times harder than hating his own self.)

 

so yeah, kai wants to hate his father for leaving them behind. even though it’s wrong and he knows he could _never_ —he wants to try, really.

 

“oh ningning…” his mother pushes his hair from his face, her touch so gentle just like how a mother should but instead of making him feel better it makes him want to cry instead. “he called, you know? a bit late because of work but he still called because he still _cares_. he always does, so even though you can hate him, you shouldn’t be. he’s still your father no matter what. so don’t hate him too much, alright? your father… he’d just—he’d just wanted to find his own happiness and i’m glad he did.”

 

the silence sits in heavy between them. there are colors exploding like storm beneath his retina, making his eyes burn. he hates them. because right now they all look the same to him. looks—blue.

 

(summer blue.)

 

“i want to hate him so much, mum.” a tear falls down his face with a small, choked sob. “he’s found his happiness, but what about us?”

 

slender, pale fingers touch his cheeks gently, brushing the tears away from his flushed face. kai looks up when his mother leaves a small peck against his forehead.

 

“we won’t lose, of course. we have to find our own happiness too.” she says softly. “i’d found mine right here, with the three of you. so now it’s your turn.”

 

her smile is a sad little thing.

 

“find yours.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

and this, is how it turns out: kai wakes up to white ceiling, white walls, white sheets, white _everything_ and immediately wishes he didn’t open his eyes at all because the color is almost blinding. he takes a shuddering breath, drawing in the crisp smell of fresh-washed linen and disinfectant. kai hates this—doesn’t want to be here at all, if he has a choice. because this place—

 

this place is not _home._

 

“ningning.”

 

kai angles to his right, staring at the figure sitting beside his bed.

 

the figure—soobin, is staring at him too, eyes pulsing red and swollen, the others nowhere to be seen. then without even thinking, he raises his hand to touch him only to feel pain creeping up his right arm. his sight immediately falls into the iv drip on his pale hand, and staring is all he can do, it even lasts a second longer, this time around. takes him a full minute to bring his eyes on soobin again, giving him a smile—or what he thinks supposed to be a smile because he doesn’t think he's quite there yet.

 

“hi, soobin-hyung.”

 

soobin sighs, shaky and long, before he brings his left hand into his and gripped it tight. he looks at their joined fingers, at soobin’s huge hand covering his smaller one, and suddenly there’s a warm feeling curled at the bottom of his stomach. kai loves how often they do this; it’s like their own thing, maybe, that kind of thing they always do without realizing.

 

the way they hold hands—it makes him feels content.

 

makes him feel—

 

_safe._

 

he blinks when soobin reaches for his right hand. takes it in a firm grip just like he did before. he doesn’t say anything, but the pain in his gentle eyes give him away.

 

kai gives them a little squeeze. “what’s wrong, hyung?”

 

“you—” soobin pauses for a while, though his hand squeezes back gently. he looks like he wants to say something more, his lips bleeding dark violet and blue, but in the end, he says this instead: “are you okay?”

 

kai bites down his lower lip, “i’m—”

 

“wait—it’s a stupid question, of course you’re not.” soobin berates himself, laughing shakily. “i mean, the doctor; he said that nothing is wrong with you, it’s just exhaustion and stress, but are you—are you _really_ okay _?”_

 

kai blinks. that’s not what he expects him to say.

 

he expected another round of his usual ‘what is your color today’ but he’d got this instead; he’d got a question he doesn’t even know the answer of.

 

kai laughs when he notices the way his hands begin to tremble, almost boarding to hysterical. those sleepless nights are surely catching up to him because he’s getting numb and it’s not—he’s not okay. not really. because ever since that summer night, kai couldn’t smile right. couldn’t live right either and he thinks he’s nearing his breaking point now.

 

“i’m not—i’m not okay, hyung, hasn’t been for years now. and i—” he pauses. “i don’t think i could ever be okay.”

 

soobin draws back, looking startled, and for a moment there, kai thinks he’s about to lose it and give him a scolding for life. instead, he clenches his eyes shut and rubs at his face with his hands, breathing shakily, yet silent.

 

this silence feels wrong.

 

kai wants soobin to yell at him, to hit him and scold him like he would normally do, for them to bicker like children, screaming each other’s ears off, _anything_ but soobin just—he looks like someone has ripped out his heart from his chest and god, it _hurts_ to see him like that.

 

(hurts to know that he’s the reason of that.)

 

“i’m sorry.” he says, on the verge of tears, lips trembling as he tries to keep himself together. “i’m so sorry, hyung. i really am.”

 

and kai means it. means every word and syllable and hopes he understands that.

 

understand—him.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“sometimes i can’t help but wonder why didn’t you come to me instead of him. why didn’t you tell me the truth. just—” kai opens his eyes at the sound of soobin’s soft voice. “why? we’ve known each other for a very long time; you were my first close friend just like i was yours, and i thought i made it clear that you can trust me. don’t you trust me?” he muses out loud, though his voice is airy, so quiet that he sounds like he’s from somewhere far away.

 

he thinks it could be a dream.

 

(maybe it is a dream.)

 

when kai decides to look up from his bed, he realizes that it’s not just his imagination running wild, not just a dream.

 

soobin is sitting near the window, his big hands clenching at his sweater as he cries silently. kai closes his eyes for a moment and hopes that the mere seconds could paint over the sad image with a brighter, happier one. but when he opens them again, nothing has changed.

 

(still sad, still blue.)

 

“is that it?” soobin repeats when his question meets silence.

 

“h-huh?” he stutters.

 

“you—” he pauses, dragging his teeth over his lower lip. “you don’t trust me, do you?”

 

“hyung no, l-listen, i trust you. i really do.” kai grips the blanket so hard until his knuckles begin to turn white. “it’s just—these past months were hard on us—on you. i looked at you— _really_ looked at you and all i could see was a tired and stressed out boy so how could i—”

 

he breathes. in, then out.

 

“how could i put more burden on your shoulders, hyung? _how?”_

soobin looks startled at the revelation, but he’s still not looking at him. or maybe he refuses to. maybe he’s sick of him. he could be. who knows.

“you’re so damn stupid sometimes, you know that?” he almost jumps when soobin opens his mouth again. there is no humor in his voice, no faint quirk of his lips. he's being serious, and yet kai could hear the way his voice shake. “you know i wouldn’t mind.”

 

“i know, and i’m sorry.” kai whispers. god he’s getting sick of that word but it’s the only thing he could say right now. “i really am.”

 

“no. stop that, it’s not your fault.” soobin whispers back, his voice thick with tears. “i am the leader; i could’ve—should’ve done something to prevent this. i knew something was wrong with you. the signs—they were so clear now that i had the time to think, and yet i kept brushing it under the rug. so don’t you dare to blame yourself. everything is on me as much as it’s on you.”

 

“hyung,” kai shakes his head, breaking his hold on the blanket to put a hand on soobin’s much bigger hand. “that’s not true.”

 

“it’s true, and we both know that. you know that. so at least tell me this;” he says again, this time softer. “why, hyuka?”

 

that why—kai doesn’t know which one he’s aiming for; which answer he’s trying to fish out from him and everything suddenly becomes all jumbled out in his head.

 

is it about the not sleeping? about the near-fainting and exhaustion? about not playing the piano? or is it about why he ended up like this? nothing seems definite. but the words write themselves on the back of his eyelids anyway, and he thinks maybe the question is just… _that._

 

(just all of them combined into one.)

 

“because—” kai pauses, fear rising up his body; climbing down into his chest, then his throat. he takes a moment, hands searching blindly for something to hold only to latch on soobin’s once more. then he says: “because i was—am, scared.”

 

“you’re scared? of what?”

 

kai hunches over, curling into himself, head lowered and shoulders rising to his ears.

 

“not of, but for. i’m… i’m scared for myself, for us.” he whispers. “but mostly us.”

 

pause.

 

“always us.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

a nurse comes and goes to bring him plates of food every four hours. but he doesn’t really eat; can’t really stomach the feeling of something running down his throat. but when he does, kai eats in small bites, just enough to keep him from surviving another day. soobin looks deflated everytime he refuses to finish the rest of the food, and yet he does nothing but sigh, collecting his plate and half-drunk glass before tucking him back under the blanket.

 

kai feels sorry; terribly so. it seems like that’s all he can feel beside the ache spreads across his chest.

 

soobin—he looks at him differently now, looks at him with something he can’t really put his fingers on and kai wonders if he hates him now, even just a little bit, like he hates himself.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“hyung?”

 

“hm?”

 

“i miss home.”

 

what he actually means: _i want to go home._ what he actually means but doesn’t even realize: _i miss them_. in return, soobin smiles. a little bit sad, a little bit happy—just somewhere in the middle.

 

“same.” he says. “do you think they miss us too?”

 

kai blinks.

 

“who?”

 

“your home.” he says, then corrects himself. “our home.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“it’s been three days. can we go home now?” kai asks in the morning.

 

“after you ate your food and medicines, perhaps.” soobin says with a wry smile, but then he continues, this time softer, gentler: “soon, hyuka. we’ll be home soon.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

when the sun sets, they go home.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

beomgyu shrieks when he sees him and yeonjun bursts into tears when their eyes collide. he swears he can see taehyun tearing up when they walk in and it slightly shocks him because taehyun is strong; _stronger_ than all of them combined but now he’s crying and he doesn’t really know how to act in front of a crying taehyun.

 

so kai looks around, eyes searching in a sea of blue and white and grey and immediately locks eyes with soobin, always finely attuned to the nuances of his absurd moods, watching him with those gentle, gentle eyes.

 

he mouths: it’s okay.

 

(and maybe he’s right. maybe this time, it’s going to be okay.)

 

so kai does nothing but accepts when they squeeze the life out of him, heads against his cheeks and neck, hands interlocking around his torso. like this, he feels like a child once more, though maybe he shouldn’t be.

 

he’s not a child anymore. children have a full set of family: two parents with a sibling or two and one roof over their head. and he—he doesn't have two of those anymore.

 

(but if these people around him, who love him and cried for him could be called something—anything, it would be family too, he thinks.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“i miss you,” taehyun tells him that night as he holds him close to his chest. they used to do this a lot—sharing a bed—and back then the way he holds him tight against his chest never failed to make kai feel secure, feel safe, but now—

 

now is different from before.

 

“i’m sorry,” kai whispers back, and once taehyun closes his eyes he gets up from the bed, pulls the blanket up to his chest, then leaves for the door.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

yeonjun squeezes his hand. “what happened back then, hyuka?”

 

kai pauses, his voice is caught in his throat. and in that split of a moment he finally realizes that even after everything they’ve been gone through together, he’s not quite ready to tell the truth.

 

(not yet.)

 

“i dunno,” kai murmurs as he lowers his head, refusing to meet his eyes. “and i don't think i want to know, so could we, please?”

 

beomgyu, who has been silent this whole time, opens his mouth. “could we what?”

 

“not talk about it.” he whispers.

 

their silence answers nothing.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

they hide his phone. forbid him to monitor the news portal. ban him from watching tv. and even after all of that, they still worry, a lot. make it a habit to keep their eyes on him. treat him a little nicer; gentler.

 

the way they treat him with so much care—it should’ve made him feel good. feel important.

 

_loved._

 

but instead, it makes him feel guilty.

 

terribly so.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“i don’t think you really understand what you’ve done. to both yourself—and us.”

 

it’s soobin who begins first. they are laying face to face on the bed, bodies pressed and legs tangled together just like they’ve always done back before this – whatever is this – happened. the way he holds him feels different now, just like taehyun did.

 

“you know, the moment we noticed that you were missing, we were a mess. took us more than half an hour to reach you, only to find out that you’d been admitted to hospital without any of us present,” he whispers as he tightens his hold around his waist, preventing him to slid out like he did yesterday. because he will, he _knows_ he will. “when we saw you lying on the hospital bed, pale and unmoving—we were so fucking scared, terrified, even. it felt unreal, to see you like that. felt like we’d let you down, somehow.”

 

kai shakes his head. “hyung, that’s not—”

 

“no, let me finish.” soobin immediately cuts him off. “all of us felt like we could have done something, anything, to prevent this. do you know how hard it was to convince them to go back to the dorm and rest? yeonjun-hyung—he kept blaming himself for not saying anything. beomgyu refused to eat because he couldn’t stomach the guilt. taehyun cried himself to sleep every single night and we both know he’s not the type who easily cry and there’s also me.” he laughs a little, but it doesn’t sound happy. his laugh—it sounds cold, almost mocking. “i—god, i couldn’t sleep for days. at all. even when the doctor said that nothing was wrong with you, even when they said you’re going to be alright… i still couldn’t bring myself to rest even for a fucking _minute_ because i was so scared that if i close my eyes for a second you’ll disappear.”

 

the tight feeling in his chest suddenly returns and he doesn’t know how to push it back. kai takes in a deep breath, then out. repeat.

 

“i’m sorry,” he says in a whimper. “i know you must be sick to hear the same thing over and over again but you have to know how sorry i am.”

 

“i do. just, please, let us know next time. don’t hide it with a smile or pretend that nothing is wrong. you’re too good at that, at pretending, and it frustrates me sometimes.” soobin murmurs gently. “you can be scared all you want. it’s all right, because _i’m_ scared too, i’m scared out of my mind. this whole thing; the not sleeping, having to smile all the time, to be hated and judged so harshly even though we’ve done fucking nothing—” he stops for a while to compose himself. “pretty scary, yeah? but that’s okay. we can be scared together. you’ve got me. you’ve got us. remember that this dream it’s not yours alone, it’s ours to share.”

 

kai chokes back a sob when soobin hooks his chin on his head while one of his hands moves up to pat his hair. he should have held himself together, should have handled it better, but he can’t help the tears from showing through. soobin draws back to wipe his tears, his gaze no longer somber but there’s still a bit of sadness residing there; an image of something he can’t quite placate in colors, more so in words.

 

“and please, remember that i’m here. that we are here. for you.”

 

a heartbeat. he blinks his eyes and sees white sands. sunny skies. the sea, the land and waves. turquoise green. the sun. yellow yellow yellow. all summer’s color. a summer blue. grey grey grey and then—

 

“always.”

 

(and then, what?)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

before he joins soobin in sleep, kai looks at his phone one last time. a new message appears in blue.

 

 **dad**  
_son, how are you these days?_  
_call me when you have the time._  
_i love you._  
[22.12 p.m] ✓✓

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

the question appears so suddenly, so quickly he almost misses it.

 

“it was blue, wasn’t it?”

 

kai opens his eyes sleepily, angling his body to his right where soobin is lying awake beside him on the bed. his face is swallowed in shadow and the only shifting light is the occasional passing vehicle's headlamps from the slightly opened curtain, washing passively over their faces, bright then not. their eyes collide at the same time the light bursts through the seams and for a fraction of second there, his heart leaps two times over.

 

“yesterday. and the day before. even years before that… your color wasn’t violet or orange or yellow.”

 

a pause. soobin turns to face the ceiling again, refusing to meet his eyes.

 

“it has always been blue since the start.”

 

his eyes widen for a fraction of seconds, then with a small voice he says: “2067-50.”

 

soobin blinks. “huh?”

 

“my color.” he says quietly, “it was, and still is 2067-50. a summer blue.”

 

heavy words, those are, and he says them within a breath. finally the truth after all those lies and he feels strangely liberated. like the shackles that have been binding his heart are coming loose, the chains no longer chocking, just binding—mounting him against the world.

 

“you know, blue is my favorite color. it’s a beautiful color.” soobin says as he turns to his side, facing him.

 

kai smiles softly. “yeah. i know.”

 

“then, could we change it?” he asks. “could we make it—better?”

 

if it were him from the cold storeroom with the old piano, kai would’ve said no in a heartbeat. but he’s no longer _there_ and instead he’s _here_ now, and things have changed a little.

 

(just a little, but sometimes a little is more than enough.)

 

“maybe we could.” he whispers.

 

“really? you—you meant it?” soobin asks.

 

kai pauses, then smiles.

 

(soobin doesn’t hate him, after all.)

 

“yeah. really.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

kai looks at them in the eye, and says: “let’s talk.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“i’ve never told you this before but my father, um,” kai stops and clears his throat. “he’s gone—kind of.”

 

they look at him in shock, but kai doesn’t really mind it. at least he thinks he doesn’t but in fact, right now, he can hardly breathe as watches them one by one, trying to not lose track of what he’s trying to say.

 

but still, he keeps his head raised up, breathes in, then out, and finally meets their worried eyes.

 

“not gone _gone_ , but—he, uh,” he bites down the inside of his cheek. “one night he’d packed his things up, said his goodbye, then left with this pick-up truck that had been waiting for him outside our home. mum told us that he’s having one of his solo tours, that he would be gone for quite a while and we believed her because well, _well_ —he was a busy man. him leaving for a long period of time was nothing new. but the thing is, my father, he—um, he always came back, always returned home,” he pauses. “—until he didn’t.”

 

kai breathes in and out again, now more erratic than before. his hands are trembling and he’s desperate for words to say but his mind is blank, all white and empty.

 

“hyuka…” beomgyu touches his arm, gently, slowly, like he’s afraid he’s going to crumble down any second. “you don’t have to tell us if you’re not ready.”

 

kai shakes his head. “no—i am. just, i need a minute. give me a minute.”

 

it turns out he needs more than a minute, but no one seems to care. they wait for him patiently, each of them touching a part of his body as if to ground him, to tell him that: _hey, take your time. we’ll always be here whenever you’re ready._ and it would be a lie to say that it doesn’t make everything better because it does.

 

“so, uh,” he scratches the back of his head, “i think it took me three years to finally come into terms that he’s not going to come back, that he left to begin a new life without us in the picture. and for a very long time, i tried to convince myself that him leaving us wasn’t that of a big deal. after all it’s not like i was completely alone. i still had—have, my mum and also my sisters. still have my uncle and grandparents too. and even my father he—he still cares, still tries his best to be there for me so i never felt like—you know, not loved enough because they were—are, enough. should be enough.” he stops for a while, collecting his thoughts before he begins again. “but later, i came to a realization that without him, home didn’t feel like home anymore. it felt incomplete, like it was missing something because it did—god it did.”

 

the memories come crashing like waves and they hurt so bad to the point of dizziness, but he doesn’t want to stop. can’t really stop.

 

“music—it’s the only thing left that connected me and him. i thought if i couldn’t have my father near anymore, at least i could still have this. so when i got cast on the street three years ago, i accepted their offer without thinking twice. didn’t even think about the probability of being put together in a group, or to go through such hardships just to survive as a trainee. all i wanted to do was doing what i loved the most but then—” he looks to soobin, cracking a smile. “ _but then,_ i met this giant panda who suddenly hugged me out of the blue on our first meeting.” yeonjun; “a golden trainee who squeezed my cheeks and called me cute,” taehyun; “a handsome same age friend who was once a head taller from me,” beomgyu; “and also an intimidating boy in all black who seemed so quiet at first glance but actually the loudest person around.”

 

a pause.

 

“i found all of you here, miles away from home, and suddenly it’s no longer about music anymore.”

 

kai looks at them again, one by one, then all at once. his hands had stopped shaking minutes ago and he wonders if he’s okay now, or if he’s just playing pretend like he always did before. but for some reason, he keeps talking.

 

“never in a million years i expected to find a new home, but i did. here, with you guys—i feel like i _belong_.” his voice cracks at the end. “i've never stayed this long before. the past three years i spend with you were one of the most beautiful moments of my life and when we debuted… i never felt so _relieved_. because it meant that we’re going to be together until years and even years after that, that this home i’d built with the four of you would finally be _real_.” he closes his eyes when he begins to feel a slight burn. willing himself not to cry because he doesn’t want to make this as another round of his sorry fest. “but the happiness didn’t last long. people began talking about us and our group—and not all of them nice things but rather, most of them were bad things. things that shouldn’t have been said. things like how we don’t deserve any of this success and how we’re not going to last because we’re just riding off our seniors’ fame. i know that those things aren’t true, but i just—i can’t get them out of my mind.”

 

someone pulls him into a hug. he doesn’t know who but it feels nice—to be held when he feels like he’s about to fall apart.

 

“and i don’t—i really don’t want to believe them.” he continues to talk even though it’s hard to open his mouth without feeling like he’s about to suffocate. “i should never, but i just can’t help but think about them every single day. because i like it here, i want to stay with you; all of you. but i—i’m just so scared. i’m so scared—”

 

he chokes up here, chest a little tight and breath a little shaky.

 

“—to say another goodbye.”

 

like someone has broken his dam, kai bursts into tears. and when the tears fall, they don’t—won’t stop falling. they get even worse when he realizes that it was yeonjun who pulled him into a tight embrace on the sofa; his oldest hyung who he always looks up to, who calls him his little yeonjun and plays around with his antics and makes him feel accepted, _loved_. kai latches himself against his warm body as he cries, smushing his face inside the crook his neck and locking his arms around his waist.

 

“i thought—i really thought that i’m strong enough to handle it, but it turned out i’m n-not.” kai lets out a painful sob. “to go through it all over again, to lose another place to belong—i’m not ready for that and i don’t think i will ever be ready. because all i’ve ever wanted is to have a permanent home… a home that can last for a lifetime, for—ever, but i know it’s not possible and now i don’t know how to think about it without breaking myself apart. god, i _hate_ it. i hate m-myself.”

 

it's done. there’s nothing he could do to take it back. everything is out in the open and he feels so exposed and raw and just—downright _pitiful_. kai buries his face further into yeonjun’s neck and cries until his throat hurt, until his heart throbs painfully against his ribcage and only stops when a shadow comes over them.

 

he looks up to see taehyun’s blank face, and the next thing he knows he’s standing upwards, yeonjun’s arms no longer around to anchor him and instead it’s a new set of hands that prevents him from falling down.

 

“look at me.” taehyun snarls, forcing him to look into his angry eyes. kai doesn’t notice it at first; taehyun’s color has turned dark by time, crimson burning so hotly behind his eyelids it leaves him breathless.

 

he looks mad.

 

 _no_ , he thinks, taehyun isn’t just mad.

 

he is _livid._

 

“do you believe them?” kai inhales sharply. he has never heard taehyun speak this way to him before and it scares the hell out of him. kai doesn’t know this version of taehyun—doesn’t know this burning anger so cold it’s devoid of any warmth. “huening kai, do you believe them?”

 

“h-hyunie—” kai winces when his grips tighten, his sobs coming out ragged and short. he closes his eyes, before he opens them again, the color blue dancing beneath his eyelids before it turns to red once more. “please—”

 

taehyun doesn’t seem to hear his plea, his cries of help as his fingers begin to dig into his clothed skin.

 

“just answer the fucking question.”

 

kai is lost. he looks down to his right where yeonjun is sitting, mouth agape in shock before his teary eyes dart into soobin and beomgyu’s stunned form, begging them to do something, _anything—_

 

“jesus chirst,” beomgyu immediately scrambles on his feet when he realizes what has happened. “taehyun-ah, let him—”

 

“do not interfere.” taehyun warns him with a glare before turning back to face him again. “do you really believe that we’re going to disband soon? when we’ve just begun? what the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

“that’s not—of course i didn’t believe that.” kai says, frustration thick on his voice. “but you _saw_ what happened with my sister, you _knew_ how they ended. even bangtan hyungs were going to… to—” he gulps down. “what if—what if they’re right? what if we’re not going to make it? what if we failed to meet their expectations and have to d-dis—”

 

kai flinches. he can’t say that damned word. not now. not ever. he hears taehyun scoff, flinching when those big eyes of his fall into his red-rimmed ones. the way taehyun’s looking at him right now—

 

it hurts him a little.

 

“pathetic.” taehyun spits out, and he doesn’t say it like it’s just an insult he’d come up in heat of moment, but like he _truly_ means it and god it feels like there’s a knife twisting his heart. “you can’t even say the word.”

 

“kang taehyun.” soobin holds him back by the shoulder with a warning, his voice dangerously dark. “that’s enough.”

 

taehyun ignores him completely and it’s so wrong because the taehyun that he knows would never do that willingly. “huening kai, look at me when i’m talking to you.”

 

he doesn’t do as he’s told, choosing to stare at the wall behind him until his eyes burn. from the corner of his eyes, he can see beomgyu gritting his teeth hard while yeonjun keeps staring down to his feet like he’s trying to not cry. kai chokes back a sob.

 

everything feels so wrong; _they_ feel so wrong and yet nothing can deter taehyun from staring at him at the eye like _he’s_ the wrong one. and that moment kai just—

 

he just, breaks.

 

“you just—you _don’t_ understand!” kai finally lashes out, letting out all the emotions he’s been carrying from the moment he set a foot into the company three years ago. that, finally, gets through to taehyun, the shifts in his color becoming even more prominent. “you _have_ to understand… maybe—maybe not now, but what about two years from now? five years? seven? what if they’re right? what then? what are we going to do?”

 

taehyun looks at him, his color – red, it’s all red – burning even colder than before.

 

“then let me ask you this,” he moves his head closer until he can feel his breath against his face. “what if they are wrong?”

 

kai clamps up.

 

“what if they are wrong, huh?” he repeats. “what if we’re going to make it? what if we’re going to be touring the world by the time we turned twenty? what if we’re still making music together even after five, seven, ten years? _what if?”_

 

the tight grip against his shoulders is no more. his hands are loosening, no longer hurting and instead just—steadying, keeping him upright while they slowly sink into the carpeted floor below.

 

“i know that we can’t promise you forever,” teahyun says softly, gently, and it makes his heart twist painfully. “because hey, who can? we’re not gods; the future is not something we can control but at least we can promise you tomorrow and maybe if we hang around long enough—” he pauses. “maybe that tomorrow will become our forever."

 

kai lets those words sink into his skin, then bones, then somewhere inside his heart. they feel like orange: light, taste a bit sour and yet sweet. he no longer feels taehyun’s grip on his shoulders, so he lets his body sag into the ground.

 

as soon as his bottom touches the carpeted floor, kai lets out a small, pitiful sob. he knows he must look so pathetic right now, sniffling like a toddler as he tries to compose himself but he can’t bring himself to really care. kai feels so full—it’s like his body is filled with a lot of emotions at once; a whole ocean of feelings: of sadness and anger and relief and happiness. thus he has no choice but to let them out; in form of a loud, strangled cry that sounds so terrifying it sends them into a wave of panic.

 

“h-hyuka, hey,” taehyun crawls closer to hold his hands. he looks so completely out of it—downright frightened. and even when he talks, his voice keeps quivering every two or three words. it feels like a stab right in the heart, like someone twisting a knife right between his lungs. “hey, please don’t cry. i’m not mad at you, okay? please. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry.”

 

soobin begins to murmur sweet things from somewhere to his front while yeonjun echoes in the background. beomgyu is silent, not saying even a word but he’s looking at him, watching him with tears in his eyes that seem to beg him to not cry.

 

the knife in his chest twists harder.

 

kai bows his head low as he sobs, hands making fists on his thighs. there are a few things that could actually break him, but this—the way they care about him, take care of him, _love_ him—definitely sits at the top of his list.

 

“dammit kai. don’t do this to me.” he hears yeonjun begin to sniff. “you know very well this hyung would cry too if you don’t stop.”

 

“sorry, i’m just—” kai says between uneven sobs, hand reaching up to rub the tears from his blurry eyes. he takes a deep breath, then out, before raising his head to look at them tearfully. “—a bit overwhelmed. i think—i think i need a group hug. can we have a group hug?”

 

“oh ningning,” soobin has never looked or sounded more relieved in the past three months as he opens his arms wide in exaggeration, the others doing the same beside him. “come here, brat.”

 

kai comes barreling like a wrecking ball, almost tackling the four of them flat to the ground. and they groan in pain; soobin even looks like he has at least a dozen reasons to kill him right now but they still surround him with arms so tight he’s almost having trouble breathing. kai snuggles into the spot between soobin and yeonjun’s touching shoulders, wrapping his arms around their necks. he doesn't have to see soobin to know the smile on his lips, or the way his nose scrunches, cheeks curving in to show his dimples. he doesn’t have to see to know that yeonjun and beomgyu are trying hard to not cry like the crybabies they are, that taehyun is smiling softly, his eyes dancing with warmth. somewhere between the tears and the ache among his lungs, kai feels himself smiling into soobin’s chest.

 

“love you. so much.”

 

time seems to stop for a moment, but then he feels the grip around his waist tighten, hears soobin sighing into his hair, murmuring things he can’t really hear but he knows they are warm words; _happy_ words. kai looks up when taehyun kisses the top of his head and says:

 

“we love you too, hyuka. always have, and always will.”

 

kai draws out the happiest laugh he can muster as he snugs deeper into their sun-like warmth, eyes closing slowly. the color blue is still there, still burning bright, and he thinks it will continue to do so for years and years to come but at least it’s no longer eating him up, just a simple afterthought at the back of his head. today, he will let it ache. but tomorrow—

 

tomorrow, he will laugh it off, together with them: his home.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“is it today?”

 

kai is silent for a while. the tight feeling in his chest suddenly returns and he doesn’t know how to push it back. but he nods, trying to not cry when soobin takes a hold of his hand gently.

 

“want me to go with you?”

 

kai bites down his lower lip, then shakes his head, his fluffy hair flying in every direction.

 

“nope.” he says. “it’s okay, hyung. i have to do this alone.”

 

he must have sounded doubtful because soobin suddenly reaches out to pat his head, his boyish dimples appear on each of his cheeks.

 

“but are you?”

 

“hm?”

 

“okay.”

 

kai pauses, then shrugs.

 

“not really. but after today? well—” he feels a smile blooming on his face. “well, i hope i would finally be.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

kai goes to the hospital once a week. sometimes twice when he has time to spare. now he has three different prescription bottles to be refilled every month and a phone call to make every three days. but he wants to heal. wants to be okay. and if it takes him a dozen trips to the hospital to make it come true, then so be it.

 

despite his better judgment, he doesn’t tell his family yet—not because he doesn’t have the balls, but simply because he’s not ready to make them cry. because he knows they probably will cry the moment he says the words _hospital_ and _medication_.

 

oh, who he’s kidding, they definitely will. and he knows he will cry too. has known it for a very long time.

 

but maybe later, much later when he’s halfway to okay, he’ll make a call.

 

(yeah, he thinks he will.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

his sister was right.

 

time doesn’t really wait for anyone. a day barely passes and they’re back on track again, busy hours begin piling up day by day that it almost hard to catch up. practices, promotions, interviews, music shows, recording. freeze. put them all on repeat. unfreeze.

 

kai is tired, rightfully so, but he no longer feels like drowning. the pain creeping up his bones no longer heavy, no longer unsettling, and instead it’s just a small weight lodging on his back. sometimes it’s from making the wrong turn at this particular hard move on their dance break, or when he accidentally bends his knees without stretching first. just mundane things that should have been part of his life by now.

 

and lately, he feels a tad proud of himself, kind of. because despite his struggles, kai managed to keep up with their schedule and wrapped up their cat & dog promotion yesterday with minimal incident. he did miss a step though, and also sang a wrong note at the chorus but those little mistakes don’t make him feel like trash anymore. just makes him want to try better—to _be_ better.

 

and he _is_ getting better. he knows he is, and soon enough, he’s going to be just fine.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

somewhere around the beginning of may, just four days before they’re leaving for america, jeongguk visits.

 

his presence feels like a slap on his face. he has completely forgotten about him and it’s wrong, god it’s _so_ wrong because if not for him—if he wasn’t _there_ back then, kai wouldn’t even be _here_ right now.

 

“h-hyungnim—” his heart is beating too fast against his ribcage, but at least he still can talk, though barely. “i—”

 

he’s cut off when jeongguk suddenly walks forward, hands reaching out to wrap themselves around his slim build but then he hesitates, arms falling over to his side again before he puts them on each his shoulders, and he feels it. that awkward, but familiar squeeze.

 

“i’m glad that you’re okay.”

 

jeongguk draws back as soon as he said that, scratching the back of his head, maybe embarrassed with the sudden contact. he does look embarrassed.

 

“and well, sorry for, uh, for not visiting sooner. we were on tour you see so yeah, um,” he clears his throat, biting down his lips in nervousness. “but i checked with soobin and he already informed us of your condition so i didn’t really think my presence was needed. i’m just—well,  i’m just glad nothing bad happened. the hyungs sent their regards, by the way.”

 

“hyung….” he trails off, unsure as what to say.

 

“i don’t know what happened but uh,” jeongguk begins again, quieter this time around, his usually bright golden looking a little pale. “what i said back then, don’t think about it too much? because sometimes thinking about it doesn’t help. just enjoy the time you have with them and believe in yourself. trust me, if we can go through it, then you can do it too. everything is going to be just fine.” he says softly. “so don’t—don’t give up, okay?”

 

it feels, _weird_ —almost overwhelming. jeongguk doesn’t give him a lecture like he expected, not even a single jab, but instead he gives him _this_. kai can deal with anger, or sadness, maybe also a bit of disappointment but this—he doesn’t have any idea how to deal with this.

 

“speechless, huh?” jeongguk says, now smiling his usual bunny-like smile. then he pulls out a bottle of banana milk from god knows where before stuffing it into his hoodie’s pocket. “there you go. i’ll be going now. good luck—for your upcoming showcase.”

 

“gukkie-hyung—” kai calls out when he’s about to leave. “thank you. just—thank you.”

 

he blinks, “for the milk?”

 

 _no, you idiot hyung, thank you for always listening, for helping me when i was at my worst, for everything_ , he wants to say. but that’s too much—too daring, so instead of that he says:

 

“no,” he smiles. “for staying.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

their showcase is approaching fast. kai decides that he will be taking time off from his daily counseling to focus on practices and rehearsal. the others have raised their protest against him, but after a few failed attempts they let him do whatever he wants.

 

“it’s your life,” beomgyu says one afternoon. they are lying on the couch, some random marvel movie playing in the background as they wait for manager-hyung to pick them up for school. “you’re free to do whatever you like.”

 

“but hyung,” kai lets him run his fingers through his hair. “aren’t you disappointed?”

 

he stops, brows coming together in doubt. “at you?”

 

“at me,” he confirms.

 

beomgyu smiles, then kisses the top of his head.

 

“never.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

his meet-ups with jeongguk are getting rare as time passes. but kai thinks it’s okay. both of them are busy—jeongguk with their tour and him preparing for their us showcase. without his presence, his days feel a bit empty, but at least kai still has this:

 

falling asleep at the studio even though they always get a crick in the neck and a sore back the next day. brushing teeth at early hours of the morning with yeonjun and spending time together with soobin at the nearest bakery they can find. playing the piano between practice breaks as beomgyu plinks at his guitar to the sound of taehyun’s angelic voice. sleeping soundly while surrounded by the people he loves and treasures as he waits for tomorrow to come.

 

kai still has four other people to spend his days with and even though it’s too late, he finally realizes that they are already more than enough for him. so he forgets about forever and just, you know—

 

lives in the moment.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“hyuka?”

 

“hmmm?”

 

“i—sorry. just, sorry. for last time.”

 

kai blinks, raising his head up. “seriously, kang taehyun? it’s been two weeks. i thought we already over that.”

 

“i still can’t get it out of my mind, okay? so let me apologize in peace.” he huffs, “i’m sorry for everything. for shouting at you, for hurting you. i was being such a bitch—i know should’ve controlled myself better but i just—i couldn’t help it, you know? i was really angry, and a bit disappointed because i thought you didn’t trust us enough to overcome our hardships but it didn’t justify any of my actions. i was wrong and i want you to forgive me,” he pauses, snorting. “though knowing you, you probably have.”

 

with a small laugh, kai drops his head back into taehyun’s shoulder, who automatically links their hands together, a cute habit he loves to tease him about.

 

“of course i have.” he says softly. “you’re taehyun—my bestfriend, my ride or die, my cherries on top. you could’ve smacked me down and i would still give you a thumb up.”

 

taehyun frowns. “i’m pretty sure that’s not how friendship works.” he says. “but still, can’t help the guilt. you looked like a kicked puppy and i’m not a puppy-kicker. fight me on this.”

 

“isn’t that counter-productive?” kai muses out loud. “seriously, i’m fine. a bit shocked—yes, because let’s be honest, you’d never raised your voice at me before even when i kept annoying you, let alone being angry.”

 

“that’s because i’m too soft for you.” he grumbles.

 

“i know.” he says smugly.

 

taehyun sighs. “you know what. forget it. you don’t deserve my heartfelt apology.”

 

“heartfelt, huh?” kai snorts a little. “but really though, i’m super glad you were angry. i was being a fool—i would have been angry at me, too. probably would have drop-kicked myself if i could. hard.”

 

taehyun blinks at him, then laughs his ass off.

 

“you’re the weirdest person i’ve ever met, you know that?”

 

kai pouts. “hey, what’s that supposed to mean—”

 

“oh wow, gukkie is right. you definitely look a lot better. are you okay now, kiddo?”

 

kai jerks up, his heart clambering into staccato. he turns to taehyun, who has gone silent beside him, eyes are blown wide. he gulps before looking forward again.

 

in front of them, hoseok and jimin stand, smiling gently. and when they speak, he can see crimson red in jimin. he reeks of compassion, of burning kindness and soft, soft heart while hoseok is bright yellow, almost boarding to sunglow just like his namesake. if he thinks about it, he does look like a sun, feel like the sun and taste like the sun; warm and steady and just—a comfort.

 

“—we were so worried. i think seokjin-hyung was going to bust a lung because of how panicked he was and namjoonie definitely broke the door handle in haste to get you out from the room. even tae-tae and yoongi-hyung were restless.” hoseok says, his beautiful smile coming in full force. “don’t let me start with jeonggukie. he was practically a walking zombie. you gave us quite a scare, kid.”

 

jimin snickers. “you should’ve seen his face. if we weren’t so panicked, we would have taken a picture or two to commemorate it.”

 

hoseok laughs in response, his infamous sunshine-laugh that always manages to make everyone smile, including them. he’s about to join when suddenly he turns to stare at him in the eye.

 

“so, are you?”

 

“huh?”

 

“are you okay now?”

 

kai blinks.

 

“o-oh, yes.” he masks his shock with a cough. “i’m, um, okay. thank you?”

 

“ahhh, so cute.” hoseok coos, turning to jimin to whisper conspiratorially. “can we adopt him? and the one beside him too? or maybe the whole bunch of them? they’re adorable.”

 

jimin rolls his eyes, hands immediately latching to his bicep as he drags him out the room. but still, he doesn’t forget to flash them a bright smile, white rows of teeth in full display. “well, i’m glad that you’re better now. remember to take care of yourself and make sure to eat well. don’t get sick, kiddos!”

 

the door closes with a small thump. kai turns to taehyun in time to see him sputter.

 

“what the fuck just happened?”

 

kai burst into a laugh.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

there is an old piano that stays in the abandoned room near the stairs on the third floor.

 

when kai was a trainee, sometimes he went down to play a piece or two everytime he’s done with practice. that room was only an escape back then, and the piano was just a piano that he’d clung to because it reminded him of the past. but now, this same room that jeongguk had dubbed so dearly as ‘storeroom’ has become something akin to a safe place to him. something to come home to and he’s so determined to make it as one. so that afternoon, he makes up his mind and goes down from the sixth floor to the third to make use of his decent cleaning skills but instead of an empty room that he finds, someone is already sitting on his usual seat. and that someone, that stranger; is playing the piano which puts him into a trance.

 

so kai just—he just stands there like a total idiot and at some point in the song, he finds himself closing his eyes.

 

if he must choose a particular color to describe this feeling currently sitting in his chest, he doesn't know if he could. blue, red, orange. fear, longing, happiness. all mixed to one. they overwhelm him—those bright colors. and yet they also make him feel strangely content.

 

“are you going to watch me play all night?”

 

kai hugs his cleaning tools closer to his chest, suddenly feeling exposed.

 

“are you? because i think i’m done now.” the stranger asks again, but he’s still not looking at him. “don’t you have another important thing to do?”

 

“w-what? no, i’m—” kai stutters, biting down his lip until it’s all raw. he takes a huge step back. “s-sorry. i’ll just go.”

 

that is the moment the stranger turns around. and he knows him—this stranger who is not a stranger. there’s a name he can put on his face and it makes him even more nervous and wary.

 

“stay. this is your place after all.”

 

“uhhhh.”

 

at the pathetic excuse of a response, the stranger bursts into a small chuckle. kai feels his face burn.

 

“so,” the stranger clears his throat. “a little bunny told me that you play.”

 

“pardon?”

 

“piano.” he says simply. when his eyes fall at the said piano, kai realizes that it’s already dust-free unlike days before. “you play, right?”

 

his breath hitches, chest feeling so full it’s about to burst. this is min yoongi. of course it’s about the piano, always the piano.

 

“yes.”

 

yoongi holds his stare for a moment, before he tilts his head to the space beside him.

 

“then what are you waiting for? just play.”

 

(just play, huh. that—)

 

kai smiles.

 

(that sounds amazing.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“kaiiii! huening kai!”

 

his fingers leave the keys when the door opens with a loud bang. from behind beomgyu’s newly dyed hair pops up.

 

“tsk, i’ve been searching for you everywhere. should’ve known you’d be here.” beomgyu shakes his head as he stalks over, hands propped on his waist. he then stares at him until he scoots over before sitting down the small space left. “anyway.”

 

“what?” he raises his brow.

 

“continue playing.” beomgyu runs his hand down the black and white studs, asking: “you don’t mind me listening, right?”

 

“h-huh.” he blinks. “well, no. of course not.”

 

“good. i kinda miss it.” beomgyu smiles sweetly as he pushes a key. the sound echoes throughout the empty room, thrumming with colors, bright colors that seem so alive, and kai finds himself smiling. “you haven’t been playing that much these days. i’m sure the others would love it to hear you play, but let’s just keep this between us, okay? we’re the instrument buddies, after all.”

 

kai hums, fingers resting on the keys. beomgyu is still waiting, watching, curious. he plays one note to ground himself before he starts. the melody is slow and even-paced. nothing fancy, really, just a little tune he’d made up when he was fourteen and yet it doesn’t stop the burst of fondness from smothering him when the first high notes spring into life.

 

today’s color is blue, he decides.

 

but not his usual gloomy blue. this blue is bright and warm and _alive_.

 

(just like his heart.)

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“hyung? hyunie?”

 

“yes?”

 

“this feels weird. don’t you feel weird?”

 

beomgyu slaps his thigh gently before he returns back to his position near his leg. “shut up. we’re leaving for america tomorrow first time in the morning, i need my beauty sleep.”

 

they are currently laying two mattresses being pushed together on the floor, all five of them swimming in the sea of blankets and pillows but they’re not really touching. a small space nestled between each of them, maybe a few centimeters at best but it still irks him.

 

for some reason, he thinks getting squished with random body parts pressing against his side wouldn’t feel as worse as having this distance would. not that he spends an excessive amount of time imagining how it would feel like to be a literal sandwich between his bandmates, but sometimes he thinks about laying his head on yeonjun’s arms as he buries his face into soobin’s neck. thinks about beomgyu’s legs tangled against his and taehyun’s arms thrown across his stomach. thinks about their warmth and protection and how _nice_ it would be to be able to feel that sometimes.

 

and that, is the exact time when soobin glances at him—as if he can hear his thoughts, as if he understands, and then a slow grin appears across his face.

 

“cuddles, right?”

 

kai laughs. loud, but still not as loud as it used to be, yet enough to make everyone around him smile.

 

“yes, please.”

 

so he watches as soobin and yeonjun take the opposite end and leaves the empty space between for him. slowly, he squeezes in himself in and beckons taehyun and beomgyu to move closer, and then closer, until they all piled up, their limbs are tangled together, watching the glow of the sunset from the opened window.

 

kai closes his eyes when soobin rests his chin on his head and pulls him even closer so he’s completely surrounded by warmth, willing himself to not cry again.

 

“it’s okay.” someone murmurs quietly from above him. could be taehyun. sounds like taehyun. “you’re going to be okay.”

 

yeonjun, from his position buried on his neck, says softly: “listen to hyunie.” ah, he’s right. it was taehyun. “you’re going to be okay and we’re going to make sure of it.”

 

kai hums, then reaches his hand out to hold soobin’s, smiling as his hyung laces their fingers together tightly; afraid of letting go. he squeezes, once, then twice.

 

“promise?”

 

the hand squeezes back.

 

“promise.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“huening kai?”

 

kai stops inhaling his food and turns to his right. yeonjun is looking at him, his gaze thoughtful.

 

he gulps down, “yes, hyung?”

 

“today—” yeonjun puts his chopstick down. “what color is it today?”

 

“hmmm,” kai tilts his head to a right, then left, raven locks falling across his eyes like a curtain, before his eyes falls to the opened window beside his seat. a smile blooms on his face. being a thousand miles up in the air does make the sky looks even more blue.

 

(it’s a nice blue.)

 

“i think… blue?”

 

yeonjun jerks in surprise, almost toppling over to the chair in front of him if not for the seatbelt wrapped around his waist. “wait, what did you say?”

 

 _here we go_ , he thinks. kai looks into his eyes and sees yellow. it makes him warm, _turns_ him warm—the way yeonjun wears his feelings like a second skin, the way he cares and loves him. kai laughs, loud and open, hand reaching out to pull his hyung closer by the neck.

 

“i’m kidding,” he reassures, eyes twinkling with warmth. “it’s yellow, hyung. no need to get all worked up.”

 

kai feels his body relax beside him, arms snaking around his waist in a loose grip. fingers tracing circles against his clothed-skin, leaving warmth on their wake.

 

“you know what, try that again and i will not hesitate to yeet you out the window.” he threatens, but then his eyes soften. “kai?”

 

“yes?”

 

“everything we’ve told you that day, we really meant it.” he murmurs softly. “even when our time has come to an end, i promise you that we will always be there whenever you feel like coming home. never doubt that for a second, you hear me?”

 

kai smiles, so real, so sweet, so real. “i know, hyung. trust me.”

 

“i do.” yeonjun says. “but it won’t stop me from reminding you everyday, so you better start counting now.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

to be honest, completely honest, kai both loves and hates spending his time online but he does anyway. not because he wants to but rather because he has to, _needs_ to, so yeah. he does, though rarely these days. because even though he’d changed, even though the colors had changed, they certainly haven’t. those people out there—they still _talk_. especially now that they’re having a foreign showcase tour just three months into their debut. and him, being the idiot that he is, will always take and take and _take_ them into his heart.

 

don’t stop and keep on scrolling, he tells himself. that’s his mantra nowadays.

 

“you idiot. you’re always like this, so attached to your phone and yet doing nothing but reading those stupid comments.” soobin pinches his cheek when he notices him cringing at something on his phone. “they don’t know us—don’t know you, remember?”

 

kai nods while playing with the long sleeves of his sweater. “i tried to but it’s kinda, uh, impossible.”

 

“then try harder.” he says firmly. “if it’s still doesn’t work, try even harder. it’s that simple.”

 

“well _you_ try to understand more than three languages before you start telling me what to do.” kai spits out angrily only to regret it a second later. “wait, hyung i didn’t—i didn’t mean that… i’m so sorry.”

 

“i told you to stop saying sorry.” soobin chides, but his gaze is soft.

 

“sor—i mean,” he stutters, cheeks heating up in embarrassment. “just—forget it.”

 

soobin sighs before he sits down next to him on the bed. “listen to me, okay? maybe all they know is huening kai the idol, but all i’ve known is that young boy who’s so passionate; who sings like an angel; whose smile could light up the whole room, who’s strong—stronger than anyone i’ve ever met.” he ruffles his hair fondly. “they don’t know these versions of you but i do. so next time anyone said something bad about us, especially about you, don’t listen to them, okay? or better yet, don’t hesitate to tell me because i’m going to teach them a lesson for making you cry.”

 

there is silence for a full minute, but then kai laughs, a bit teary and obviously shaky, but right now none of that matter.

 

“are you going to fight them for me?” he asks teasingly, trying to brighten the somber colors around him.

 

“if needed, then yes.” soobin says, clearly humoring him, but there’s a firmness in his eyes that settle his fears into the back of his mind. “ningning?”

 

kai blinks when soobin suddenly takes a hold of his hand, lacing their fingers together, thumb grazing gently against the pad of his knuckles in slow, patterned stroke.

 

“remember when we first met?” he asks.

 

“yeah.” kai says softly, bright-eyed and flushed from the cold. “how could i forget?”

 

“you may not know this, but the moment i saw you walking in, i promised myself to take care of you, to treat you like my own, to protect and cherish you and also—” soobin says as he looks into his eyes. “—to always be there for you, no matter what happens.”

 

he pauses, then smiles.

  
“for the past three years we’ve been together, i think i’ve done quite a great job at that, don’t you think so?”

 

what follows is silence. it stretches over them for a while, leaving shutters across their mouths. kai finds himself closing his eyes, trying so hard to not cry but before he can close them completely, soobin pulls him inside a tight embrace.

 

“and i want you to know that i will continue to do so even after years passed and we’re no longer these young boys searching after our dreams, even when we no longer _here_ and instead we’re there and there and _there_.”

 

soobin pauses, then softly says:

 

“even when we are no longer… us.”

 

a lump forms at the back of his throat. kai bites down his lower lip hard, fighting tears.

 

“hyuuung, this is so unfair. you’re going to make me cry.” kai can almost hear the tears in his own voice, and even though he’s trying so hard to not spill any tear, the tremble in his voice gives him away. “aish, i’m such a baby, aren’t i?”

 

soobin smiles, patting his head. “yeah, but you are my baby and i will always protect what’s mine.”

 

at some point later, he finds himself leaning his head against soobin’s shoulders as he looks into the sky outside their hotel room, his phone already forgotten on the nightstand.

 

 _blue,_ he thinks. and then: _summer is near._

kai tilts his head a little, his cheek smooshed against soobin’s bicep as he tries to look into his eyes. soobin looks back, his gaze kind and familiar. warm.

 

“binnie-hyung?”

 

“yeah?”

 

“i love you 3000.”

 

soobin blinks, then laughs. loudly.

 

“you nerd.” he says fondly, “but yeah, i love you too, ning. 3000, and more.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“the showcase is tomorrow.”

 

“hm.”

 

“don’t you feel scared?” he asks after a moment of silence. “at least a bit?”

 

taehyun looks at him, then smiles.

 

“no, i don’t.” he says. “i have you guys by my side, so why would i have to be scared?”

 

kai stares at him for a while, and thinks: _oh._

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

 **ning  
**_dad, we're going to start our showcase tour tomorrow.  
i'm a bit scared and nervous, but  
__but i have my brothers with me so  
you don't have to worry.  
_[19.02 p.m] ✓✓ _  
_

**ning  
**_dad i'm  
i'm trying my best right now  
i'm working hard  
do you think...  
_[19.06 p.m] ✓✓

 **ning  
**_i can be as cool as you are, someday?_  
[19.08 p.m] ✓✓

 

 **dad is calling.........** [19.13 p.m]  
  


 

 

+

 

 

 

he can hear the loud cheers. the screams of his name—their names.

 

_“everyone, we’ll begin in the count of three. one, two—”_

 

kai stares at the backdrop as it falls into the ground.

 

_“three!”_

 

darkness rushes over for a split of second before the muted, stifled colors, he’s been seeing for the past three years begin to fade a little, leaving the colors brighter and just—somewhat _alive_. he stares unblinkingly at the colors, stares at the way they begin to burn brighter and it suddenly strikes him with a certainty that he can’t possibly explain.

 

 _i guess i’ll have to make a call tonight,_ he thinks as he walks toward the dimming light, his steps light, a smile on his face. and when the sound of their recorded song drowns out the rest of the voices, kai closes his eyes before he opens them again.

 

then there’s only himself, the taste of salt in his mouth, and the urge to sing until his throat’s raw.

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

someone told them this once:

 

“you’ll never be as successful as bangtan because you will never experience the pain they’ve gone through.”

 

but what that someone doesn’t know is:

 

“honestly, we’re glad, so fucking glad.” namjoon says once the camera has been turned off and no one was watching their every little move. there’s no longer the need to act happy or to play around like children to entertain the audience. they are sitting down on the floor, five plus seven, and the sight of them huddled together makes him feel warm—feel, _safe_. “we hope the cycle of pain end with us. no one deserves that, _we_ didn’t deserve that—still doesn’t, so please never think that all of you have to go through the same thing like us to be successful. because you do feel pain, you do struggle, and you will continue to do so, but yours will be very different from us. don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.”

 

that night, all of them cry. they cry for every wasted time; for every failed practice and shaking voice; for every late night they spend dancing in front of the mirrors but after the sadness passes, they all sit in circle, shoulders touching, knees knocking against each other.

 

this time, kai allows himself to smile.

 

the tears are still clinging to his eyes, his face and hair a mess, but the pain deep in his heart is no longer burning. for the first time in years, it feels like everything has fallen into place.

 

kai looks at his right, where soobin is looking up at the ceiling, his eyes shining with tears. he links their fingers together before squeezing tight.

 

“hyung?”

 

“yeah?”

 

“what do you think about forever?”

 

soobin pauses, then with a smile he says: “it could be us.”

 

“really?”

 

“yeah. i'd like to think that we're going to be together for a very long time, so i hope it could be us someday—that forever.”

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

kai looks at the stage, their last stage, and thinks back on the past three months.

 

thinks about the nightmares he’d been having. about his sleepless night. the cold storeroom with the old piano. jeongguk. the hate comments he’d read and heard. his panic attacks. he thinks about all his struggles and how hard they were on him, then he thinks about his father. about his mother and sisters and later: his hyungs and taehyun.

 

these days his struggles are not less but at least they no longer leave him all choked up, unable to breathe. harder on most times, kinder for some selective times. though there are still times when he’s feeling like he’s about to drown, his hyungs and taehyun—they are always there to pull him out his misery and he always feels so small and yet safe between their arms.

 

safe: the way he describes the word has more meaning now because it’s no longer be said in colors nor it contains anything remotely close to escaping, but it’s just it. just—safe. happy is still something he has a hard time describing, whether in colors or words. but grief has its own word now to replace its old blue. because he thinks, right now, he’s not in grief anymore.

 

or maybe he still is, but not necessarily in a bad way. because if he were stuck in the middle before, right now he’s working through the stages. working on being okay again, and hopefully, it would be soon enough before he’s going to be fully okay.

 

no longer halfway, but fully, and unapologetically _okay_.

 

“so,” he snaps out his thoughts when yeonjun suddenly turns around to face them, a wide smile on his face as he shoves his hand mid-air. “shall we do it one more time?”

 

he can hear someone says _“sure!”_ and the next thing he knows he’s being pulled into a huddle, his arms brushing against beomgyu and soobin’s as five hands pile up into one. kai can feel their warmth on his skin, up his arms, and somewhere in his chest. imperceptible and yet tangible: real.

 

_“tomorrow by together! let’s stay together tomorrow as well!”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

▶ ── 05:12

 

_“—and i would like to say thank you._  
_i think without our members, i would have had a really difficult time;_  
_when i’m with them, everyday… every single day is really enjoyable._  
_so i would like to say thank you, just, thank you for being here with me.”_

🔘 ── 05:40

_“i also would like if we continue to live well_  
_and do promotions happily like this._  
_though we’re not always going to be happy,_  
_please don’t be scared of what the future would bring."_

 

🔘 ── 06:13

_"or maybe you can. maybe we—can._  
_a while ago, someone told me that it’s okay to be scared._  
_that it’s not okay to pretend that we are not,_  
_because being scared it’s not wrong,_  
_it just makes us human—makes us, you know, us."_

🔘 ── 06:35

_"but when we’re done being scared, please, always remember this:_  
_five, seven, then years from now, let’s try to be there for each other,_  
_remember that when you’re happy, we’ll be happy together._  
_when you cry, we’ll cry together._  
_and when you falll, we’ll do it together too.”_

🔘 ── 07:09

_“our members… as we have so many days in front of us,”_

🔘 ── 07:46

_“—let’s make them the greatest days of our lives.”_

 

⏸ ── 08:14

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

“hyung?”

 

“hm?”

 

“tomorrow by together; it’s a nice name.”

 

“yeah?”

 

“yeah. they are—nice. great. good. awesome. all of the above. i just—i really like it, our name.”

 

“you like it that much?”

 

“hmm. it’s not forever, but i think it’s close enough, don’t you think so?”

 

 

 

+

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \+ a little trivia: sea/soul stands for his birthplace hawaii (sea, which also ningkai's namesake) and his current home s(e)oul while 2067-50 stands for benjamin moore summer blue a.k.a my fave shade of blue uwu  
> \+ i just love txt and their dynamic, it's only been months and yet they're already that close i can't wait to see how their friendship will progress in the future. that being said, i'll wait for their comeback no matter how long it took, so you guys should do the same, alright? no leaving the babies behind!  
> \+ jjuni's birthday is soon so please wish him a happy birthday like we did with baby ningning! he deserves it so much tbh especially right now :)  
> \+ as always, i'm sorry for any grammatical errors and i would love it to hear from you guys! any suggestion is always welcome too!!  
> \+ last but not least, i hope you guys enjoy it! see you guys in my next work, maybe? i wonder what kind of story i should write next. ah well we shall see :)  
> +++ and oh!! because some of you were curious, my cc is [@hueminous](https://curiouscat.me/hueminous) and my twt handle is [@0814percent](https://twitter.com/0814percent)~ it's a fanarts acc though so i rarely talk about fics there (or talk at all bc i'm a shy bean) hehe just letting you know >3<)
> 
> just a little reminder to yourself: you can _only_ be okay as long as you _want_ to be okay. believe me when i say that you do have a home somewhere in this world, even when you think you don't, and that there must be people who love you for who you are and who you will be, so don't be sad forever, okay? live is worth it!  
> 


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